The shadows

Oh wow. Finally blogger works again in China. What an incredible day and it is only 11:47am.
This morning I was able to talk to my longest best friend in the whole wide world Megan. She has been living in Brazil for a year and I’m in China; we’re so far from home together. I loved comparing stories and adventures to find that we are still as close at heart as ever.
I’m kind of glad that blogger hasn’t been working because I’ve been really sick and really sad lately…sad because I am sick, and sick because I am sad, but I think I can say that I have rejoiced through tears because I have become a woman. That is a lose term, I realize, but for as long as I can remember there have been women in my life that have clearly defined for me a godly woman. Some examples are my mom (at the top of the chart) :) Silvia, my godmother, Kathy Vincent, Joyce Meyer, etc. There are several, but some characteristics include a grounded purpose. These women wake each day and seek God in their lives, in the plans that they make, the attitudes they carry, the words that they speak, and the thoughts that they think. A godly woman has a foundation in God’s word that is informed, unshaken, and that is actively changing them. A life requires faith, recognition of a spiritual realm, intentional living, etc.
Ok, ok…so many words. I often need pictures and examples to support my words so launch into my past few weeks…

Three weeks ago
1:00am. Nausea flanked my body in the form of shivers from my stomach to my mouth as I shifted to squeeze more tightly into my pink blanket. Ouch. I buried my face in the fuzzy softness hoping it would be the anecdote for such lonely discomfort. Whimper. I didn’t feel any better. Father, help me. My side was asleep and when reaching to inspect and rub feeling back into the numb area of my leg, I discovered skin without sensation, well, it had sensation, but it was deeper beneath…could it be?! I was becoming a woman… hip deposits and I’m only 20! I’m too young for cellulite on my 115lb. frame! Be calm. (I really can worry about the most inane things at the worst times. I think it’s a talent.) I rolled back over and whispered “Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.” My dad taught me that verse when I was very young so that I could fall asleep and calm my creative (overactive) young mind. He would repeat that verse aloud until I fell asleep. I could hear his voice and I began to cry, but just a little.

1:30am. I’m sitting awake in bed and now pouring the contents from my stomach into a bedside container. It’s just great, low lamplight, puking cup, shivering, and divine inspiration to write. Want to join me? I was just thinking to myself that I would never have chosen this…ever.
Why does it take the shocking realities to turn our heads?

That night was one of many consecutive and random nights over the past month and a half. I was unable to eat, became very weak, and to walk to my class or take an hour bus ride to the grocery store was not possible. I remained close to “home” and I had only my thoughts and memories to entertain me. Memories that mostly consisted of spring afternoons by the swimming pool with family or friends, bike rides, laughter, strawberries, and sunshine. It remained cold, lonely, and ever so far from home.

During this time I had books and thoughts, and I needed faith. It gives perspective to God as a healer when your doctor is not present, or even one who speaks English. A doctor requires a trip to the hospital, a crowded Chinese hospital. How can I explain the weakness, my cough, inability to breathe, throwing up, etc. to a traditional Chinese medicine doctor? So we prayed, and prayed, and read, and began to recognize that in spite of the pain and the longevity of our down period God was sovereign and His healing hand was upon me because nothing can occur that He does not know about and we will not bear a burden that will not refine us.
My point in sharing this is that daily I went to God’s word. I started to pray prayers that claimed His authority, that took Him at His word throughout the gospels to call on Him and expect His love, to devote ourselves to prayer and meditation, and during this time Patrick and I grew so much closer, my understanding of God increased to a degree I have never known, and my life became a reason for rejoicing. That’s what I mean by becoming a woman of God :) I’m in progress to become a woman that devotes my life to God wholly.
If I can, please allow me to share just one more thing. Of course I can, it’s my blog, but really this is just the coolest most amazing transformation and I just want to tell you….
First the words, then the story:
When we accept God our spirit comes alive, we are “born again,” but the reality is that our mind is not made new because it is not something spiritual, it is a physical entity and the bible says that we should “renew” our minds meaning that it will not be replaced with automatic spiritual truth and reality, but that the renewing of our minds requires meditation and reflection, study of scripture etc. so that we can know the truth that sets us free…

My mind is naturally superactive. I can keep myself awake just by thinking, not worrying but thinking, getting excited, being anxious, wondering, asking questions, etc. I’m not usually bored because I have my thoughts to ponder, and sometimes I just want to cry because I wish I could stop thinking but I just get so excited and my mind won’t shut off.
Since I’ve been in China I’ve been obsessed with weight. Unhealthy obsessed. Chinese girls talk about it all of the time and it is a sensitive issue for me because I like to be active and healthy and have been sitting for a month. I was convinced that I was fat.
When we drive through the city in taxis and busses I literally make myself sick to my stomach by imaging worse case scenarios usually about being abandoned, dying, or having something happen to Patrick and I would not be able to communicate. I start to sweat and make myself throw up with those thoughts.
One of my favorite thought pastimes of late has been to think of the way that things were in the past. That one really trips me up because I get depressed about being so far from home. It doesn’t make me cry, but I get introspective and moody.
I am adamant about not spending money. I don’t care that we don’t have any bills and make a very generous salary for China. I won’t spend money because I feel like spending money is bad and indulgent.
Ok, do you get the point? I am bound by so many things; I have defined a few specific issues of fear, negativity, and devotion of thought to things that are insignificant. It’s a reality that these are areas that I struggle in. My thoughts come from human logic, past experience, what others say and reinforce, what I read and watch, and finally a spiritual force that has been trapping my mind with strongholds that are very powerful and bind me from being effective and a free woman of God.
I have learned that my mind will always be in progress but that I need God’s word, I need power and authority, and a relationship with my God because I am against forces that I cannot fight on my own…reason and logic support my fears and add to my worry or doubt, they flank negativity and hold me in an anxious state. What I have been doing is flushing my mind of the sources that I give authority, to replace them with biblical, foundational truth, the living word of God in others, in the bible, and through books.
I have been renewing my mind and life for three weeks has been like I have never experienced it. Yes, I went shopping yesterday and I thought I was too big, but I am learning 1 Peter 3, Psalm 38, I am reading Christian books, I am listening to Patrick when he says that I am beautiful, and I hear God’s voice speaking new truth to my heart that will be established in my mind.
It has been a serious, glorious, joy filled, beautiful month and a half and I could not just write the stories, the fun, the adventures without sharing the true transformation and power of God that has been in our home and lives. He needs to receive glory for that.

Now for the update on Chinese culture from the perspective of Mrs. Vincent.

Our University is very pretty and somewhat settled at the outskirts of town. The lake in the center apparently farms pearls in green soda bottles, but no one really knows for sure. There is lush landscape and the funny bit is that all of the landscapers are very old men and women that either like to garden or need to support themselves. Flowers, trees, grass, and walkways are always being put in and the workers will pause just for a second to stare wide-eyed at the foreigner, take a second glance, and resume their work. It’s really quite easy to hand out smiles as I walk past.








If you are looking for the most unsuccessful business venture, might I suggest a tanning salon in China? Women love white skin and they will tell me because I am white that I look like a doll, beautiful and white with eye lashes that are “too long.” Because they aspire to look pale like dolls they carry colored and embroidered umbrellas everywhere that they go. It’s quite funny because they tell me I will become ugly and brown if I don’t get one soon. I like my sunscreen but for now, the wind-whipped, sun-kissed feeling is not worth sacrificing to look like a China doll.



















Food is either rice or noodles, or some hybrid of the two. It is fried, or cooked with a lot of oil… so to rebuild my immune system, to find an outlet for creativity, and for the pleasure of pleasing Patrick, I have become a cook and a connoisseur of Western food in China. I bake bread and make tortillas, I’ve made barbeque pork sandwiches and pilaf, apple pie, beef stew, and my recent favorite is fresh vegetable lasagna with homemade ricotta cheese. Mmmm. It was so yummy. I just made tuna sandwiches for lunch with homemade pickle relish but I’m not sure what that will taste like.



















The absolute best thing about China besides everything else that I like is the pineapple on a stick. Little street vendors and shop owners will carry fruit carts loaded with pineapples and they cut them for you to preserve most of the fruit. It is not the American form of cutting fresh pineapple that leaves so little of the fruit, but they use special instruments to cut a spiral and it leaves almost all of the flesh on the fruit. The vendors will cut them lengthwise into four pieces, skewer them, and sell them for less than a penny. My friend Megan said they do the same thing in Brazil and she suggested that I freeze it. It’s in the freezer now and I’m predicting that it will be, amazing!






Hmmm. The students are great, well, people. They are the product of a specific education system as I am and our systems are just very different. I’ve enjoyed the challenge of teaching effectively and my efforts yielded two knocks on my door last week. One student came and asked if I would walk her through the entire writing process, so we sat for over an hour as I was able to instill confidence in her about her ability and teach her technique for effective writing. I loved it. The second knock was 13 classmates that just showed up to hang out with Patrick and I. We played cards, guitar, talked, and looked at pictures. I am so thankful for the opportunity to be in their lives.





Finally, I went shopping the other day. I decided it was time to exchange my American Eagle t-shirts for Italian sophisticate. Here is my new sweater and vest. Eh?


And finally I must write about my most recent craving…a cup of coffee and an hour in Starbucks. A student told me recently that she had been to visit a Starbucks in Shanghai and she had prepared for her visit. She was very excited she told me, about “her answers”. I stopped her and asked, answers? “Yes!” she said excitedly, “I learned from Tom Hanks in You’ve Got Mail how to order a cup of coffee. He said that there are 6 questions…caf, decaf, fat, soy, non-fat, etc.” She had learned about the options and was prepared to request what she would like. The glitch however was when she entered and ordered coffee expecting that they would ask the 6 questions and they didn’t. “I just had plain coffee. They didn’t ask me anything at all and I didn’t like it!”

I now leave you with…a representation of joy! (my mom sent me some essential items. Namely peanut butter Easter m&ms)