I...can...RUN!!!

So imagine if you were able to fly for the first time in your life and it had always been a dream to just jump from your roof and smile as you float, giddy and excited through the air...

So that was me, a smiling running fool giggling as I watched things pass and prancing along, skipping, sprinting, jogging, turning backward, and all with a silly little grin as I continued to take free and large breaths on my three mile journey.

I have asthma. Excercise-induced asthma actually. I was diagnosed last week; how silly does this sound, "I get winded when I exercise and I promise it's not because I'm out of shape."

It's a real condition that blood concentrates to your airways and fills with mucus etc. (I'm not sure of all the details yet) making you unable to breathe because you gasp and it's heavy and you get light-headed and pass out (it happened to me only a few times).

I never understood from elementary school what my problem was and why I always thought I would die at the end of running the required physical fitness mile. I resigned myself to being the loser, last place runner girl, and was called that sometimes.

I finally started to take it seriously more recently when I realized that I'm smart enough to put some facts together:

1) For over 10 years I have ridden my bike at least 5 miles a day in addition to walking/running 2-5, and doing sit-ups, and push-ups to build muscle a few times a week.

2) Running 1/2 mile made me want to pass out and I was gasping for air. The same as after 15 miles on my bike.

Hmmmm.

I called the doctor and tonight I took my first puff of relief and in the 38 degree foggy night I was happily in my own concentrated world, the world of running and not looking back, of lights and houses and sounds whizzing by...it was the BEST high and release I have ever experienced from exercise and with each plunge of my foot on concrete I took another deep breath and exhailed praise. It is a miracle and I am free to run.

My only question now would be a professional answer to this:

The recommendation for people with this condition is to limit and control exercise and regulate these workouts with the inhaler. It is not supposed to be puffed more that 4 times a week and so that means only four hard workouts. Should I plan around the inhaler, or should I only use it for emergencies and continue to stay away from running even though I love it now?

A question for my generation in purpose and intent

I feel so disillusioned by my generation and appreciative at the same time.

Before I went to college I lived in a defined world.
Dr. Dobson defined right and wrong for me through my parent's instruction. PG-13 and R movies were bad, G and PG were good. Drugs, alcohol, and premarital sex were bad, church youth group, mission trips, and church social functions were good. I always kept my room spit spot, and obeyed my parents all of the time (I really did). I had a job to pay for my expenses, and I dressed over-modestly almost prudish. I exercised, tried not to be sedate and lazy, and I read my bible and listened to worship music only. I bought a Backstreet boy's CD once and returned it because I thought it was bad because it sang about girls and not God.
I loved the bubble or definition. I loved the bar of right and wrong; it was comfortable, secure, sure, and backed by the books I read by AW Tozer, John Eldridge, Beth Moore, and what I heard my parents talk with me about.

I went to college, Biola, a christian college, and I heard the word "postmodern" which is a breakdown of all defined truth so the furthest application of this definition is that there is no truth?!

I was a shocked little freshman and I could not understand the supposed hypocritical practices around me, excessive flirts in miniskirts making out all night long, people who flung Jesus' name around with the word love and best friend without a concept of the Holy I AM. I was appalled and more and more I let this loose cynicism into my heart to begin breaking all of my definitions.

As an English major that is what I spent 99% of my time doing, redefining what was established and true in each text. Nothing was as it appeared.

I met Patrick, I read Blue like Jazz, I think and think and re-think and have spiritual discussions, I go to a progressive church, I went to more English classes, I read, I thought, I studied and now...I am a convert. There seems to be nothing left of the definitions that once governed me and it seems there is a question to be posed for everything. A shift has occurred in modern religion that will begin only with those in their low 20's and the teens. Donald Miller, Rob Bell, and a few other writers of the older generation were ahead of their time breaking ground for this new era of faith.

I promise I'm not a crazy and ambitious philosopher, but look around. I spend time with the high school...I hear the questions that they ask and the conventions that they question, that they cannot even conceive of defined truth in some respects, they question every "universal biblical truth" presented in a Sunday feel good sermon yearning for more that is God inspired and applicable to genuine, deep, authentic and effective faith in a Holy God.

I am a product of this. It is my generation, and I am feeling lost without the rules of defined right and wrong to hold me up. I know that faith is believing, but can we put faith in old definitions which to us often seem a contradiction and accept them just because they are taught? I cannot do this, but I am on a forever pursuit to learn more about an undefinable and unfathomable God, I AM who in giving his name allowed not even that to be understood.

I'm struggling though. I used to feel so close because I defined my god based on my understanding of Him and there he stayed in a close little package according to my belief and I never allowed myself to be blown away by His unfathomability. Now, how do I reunite and maintain closeness with an undefined Almighty?

We Danced

To avoid another day of waiting I visited my grandparents yesterday afternoon. I love their house. Let me try to paint the scene...

5099 N. Gaynor, the air outside was crisp and overcast complimenting the leaves changing in all of the large front yard plants and trees that lined the walkway. Some Freesia flowers and many orange and yellow citrus fruits dotted the green trees and I thought how their yard has been my own fresh produce market since I can remember with cherries, apples, nectarines, peaches, plumbs, and every kind of vegetable, berry vines, and even kiwi fruits have been delivered in large buckets or plastic bags during their visits or when I can see them I wander through the trees choosing what delights me. I walked through the garage with hanging tennis balls to park their cars "just so" and knocked lightly before opening the door.
Little Mitsey was their barking and wagging her curly black tail along with my aunt's dog Zoë, who was apparently being babysat. Nonie and Papa sat at their kitchen table piled on one end with newspaper clippings, magazines with articles dating back to the early 50s, fresh flowers from the yard, and bits of Papa's art while they sat on the other cleared off end, with the plaid Christmas tablecloth and my great grandmother's placemats eating fresh soup and saltine crackers, vegetable sticks, and sipping coffee.
A fire was burning in their stove and after the meal Papa went to put on a new record that he had purchased that morning from the Salvation Army store on their trip into town. The house filled with old dance tunes from the 40s followed by swing and jazz, a Beach Boys album, and then an old Italian mix. We laughed and talked; Nonie used to dance with us and taught us to Fox Trot so we had a lot of fun with memories and recollection.
While Papa busied in his art studio with his paintings and some old yearbooks from when he was in high school, Nonie and I made Biscotti and played a few rounds of cards, talked about China, marriage, life, and her sewing.
I never leave their house hungry, but instead of cookies and cakes or other foods being forced at me, it's oranges and apples, grapefruit, walnuts...Papa will go outside with his flannel plaid over shirt and baseball cap to go pick anything that I want and he'll come in with a bucket for me to take home. Lol!
I think my favorite part was when he was working on the signs for his gate, the ones that read "Beware of dog" and have a picture of a vicious dog, which they don't have. and he decided that he wanted to add the words "Rabid Biter" to each one. I guess I should explain that it is partly his humor, but also his fear of germs or disturbance to their little world. Just idiosyncrasies of the Guaglianones I suppose.
I thoroughly enjoyed my time just experiencing life through their eyes yesterday and appreciating and loving the family that I have. they are very special and I wanted to share them.


An entirely different subject, Staci tagged me to complete this survey:
A - Available or single: No way!!!
B - Best Friend: Jesus. In 7th grade I wanted to cry while walking down the halls at school and instead I cupped my hand by my side and decided that Jesus could be my best friend and hold my hand. He’s been with me step by step ever since. Patrick is my next best friend :)
C - Cake or Pie: Neither…unless it is microwave yellow cake that is warm and moist. Mmmm.
D - Drink of choice: I really only like water, unless it is a social drink: coffee with Patrick, Italian soda with Megan, Green tea with Nonie or Auntie Monica
E - Essential Item you use everyday: Toothbrush appx. 7 times, aloe Johnson and Johnson baby lotion for my face
F - Favorite color: White
G - Gummy Bears or worms: only extra-hot fire cinnamon gummy bears
H - Hometown: Clovis, Ca
I - Indulgence: Blank paper, Kierkegaard, soft and fuzzy blankets
J - January or February: February-official most school holidays month
K - Kids & Names: Not yet, and probably not for a while :) I hope God continues to incite that desire in me
L - Life is Incomplete Without? Desire, divine inspiration, and the faith to pursue these dreams
M - Marriage Date: January 28, 2007
N - Number of Siblings: 2 brothers, 1 sister
O - Oranges or Apples: Tangellos off of the tree- a mix between a tangerine and an orange, sour and tangy and cold
P - Phobias or Fears: Probably almost everything. I’m good at thinking of reasons to be afraid or apprehensive…but then I get over it. My weirdest phobia was of the microorganisms that naturally exist in furniture including mattresses and feed off of skin cells. I went to bed and tucked my pajama pant legs into knee high socks to keep them off of me for two years in high school.
Q - Fave Quote: "Heavenly expectation begins precisely at the moment when earthly expectation sinks down in weakness and despair." Soren Kierkegaard
R - Reason to Smile: When the sun wakes me up at 6am and I know I’m alive another day for a reason. I love to smile when I wake up and praise God.
S - Season: Winter. Midnight rollerblading or bike rides to look at Christmas lights, stars, and to see your breath!
T - Tag 3 or 4 people: Patrick, Megan Halterman (who else has a blog?) I think I would love to see Justin Scott fill out one of these. That would be the day :)
U - Unknown Fact about Me: I knew I would marry Patrick the first time that I met him. I wrote it down.
V- Vegetable You Don't Like: I have always LOVED vegetables!!! I eat them like candy. Never had one that I don’t like. I don’t like when people make them sweet though, like sweet potatoes with brown sugar or marshmallows. No thank you.
W - Worst Habit: Overthinking
X - Xrays: Stomach/esophagus/throat -many times (I got to eat radioactive eggs! I know, I’m so cool), ankle, foot, mouth pallet, teeth
Y - Your Fave Food: Frozen peas and apples currently (I get stuck eating one food for about 6 months and it is practically the only thing I eat and then I shift to something else. The previous one was turkey sandwiches for every meal. Now I eat frozen peas and apples ALL of the time)
Z - Zodiac Sign: Cancer, I think

To my Best Friend

Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling of that something which you were born desiring, and which beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momemtary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to old age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for? - The Problem of Pain

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Barbie dolls for the San Diego, California area market:

Chula Vista Barbie - This Spanish-speaking- only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a pickup truck loaded 10 feet high with mattresses. Green cards are not available for Chula Vista Barbie or Ken.


Rancho Bernardo Barbie - This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with a Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone included, headset sold separately.


Del Mar Barbie - This yuppie Barbie comes with her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Optional children available only after a visit with Plastic Surgeon Ken.

Rancho San Diego Barbie - Comes with a towel for her head. Is co-owner of a liquor store, along with Ken. (K pronounced like G in Spanish) Nose job already done, and Ken comes with his own bottle of hennessy and a cigar. Hopes Anglo neighbors never see Iraqi flag inside house.


La Jolla Barbie - This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard-print bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the beach house. Percocet prescription available.


Leucadia Barbie - This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long, straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She smokes good sinsemilla buds and prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Leucadia Barbie's and the optional Volvo wagon, you get a coupon for a free wheat-grass smoothie at any Whole Food's Market.

Poway Barbie - She's perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away working. The only Barbie with anorexic male children because they wrestle for Poway High.



Hillcrest Barbie/Ken - This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple "snap-on" parts. Bonus:
free rainbow flag sticker with proof of purchase, along with valuable discount coupons to all "F" street bookstores.


Carlsbad Barbie - This princess Barbie is only sold at the brand new La Costa Forum. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

Valley Center Barbie - Thinks she is better than Escondido Barbie because she doesn't live in town and rich enough to live in the country. Secretly wishes to be either Carlsbad or Del Mar Barbie. Consoles herself by frequenting Pala Casino. Child with missing hand is not factory defect but due to a bad encounter with a lion at the San Diego Wild Animal Park after mom stopped watching children due to a depression induced migraine.

98.6

Two pairs of flannel pants, knee high socks, shoes, three shirts and a sweatshirt. It's winter and it's only 57 outside but I'm FREEZING!!! I feel like I have a temperature and so when I repeatedly check it's 97, or 97.2. The absolute highest that my temperature was when I was bundled with my head beneath blankets was 98.6! Weird. I've been fighting with all of the little antibodies within me to kick this cold/fever and still I am the one knocked out by something that is invisible to the human eye.

I'm a loaf. (Is that a word for someone who is still in their pajamas at 11:00 and has spent all morning writing, reading, and drinking coffee? Is so, I'm that). I'm having a mind battle as well as a physical battle for immunity. Recently, since the intellectual stimulus of school has been removed for a week and a half my mind has been going crazy. I feel like it is a whirl of ideas and thoughts and philosophies and stimuli that when I'm not feeding it gets out of control and I drive myself silly by questioning and contemplating and overthinking EVERYTHING. For example I become a hypochondriac and I called Patrick at 1am because I woke up and wondered if I was going to die because I mixed allergy medicine with tylenol, I exhaust myself with physical exercise, question religious foundations like why people pray and what and how they approach God, if pastors can make universal statements, why I listen to sermons and think that several statements contradict my interpretation of the bible. Anyway, you get the point.

I can think of only a few releases for my swirling mind.

- Rollerblades, Christmas lights, an ipod with classic Christmas music, and stars
- Screaming music (currently though it makes me pass out...literally. The vibration of the bass in my ears makes me dizzy and unbalanced because the fluid equilibrium is off because of the cold and so I was fading in and out of consciousness going 75 on the freeway and had to pull over for a while).
- Writing
- The dollar theater

I should go. I think it is time for lunch, life, and other stuff.

veiled

I wrote July 2000:

"Creviced wrinkles, thick, worn in, carved into his weathered face gave a permanence to the smile that he wore. He was ordinary, maybe in his 50's with flecked grey and white hair, a small stature, and shining eyes. I watched him talk. From the back of the crowd I strained to ignore the small group of boys mimicking the dog they had seen limping through Tijuana the night before, blurring the man's words with the "guf-waff" laughter of teen aged boys. Selectively tuning them out I heard him say, "All praise to God," and laugh heartily with the smile crinkles deepening. Hair flashed in front of my face flipping into my eyes and I brushed it away, straining to see him. Another flick of the long locks brushed my eyelashes. Slightly annoyed I stole my attention to the "cousin it" in front of me and met the back of a tilted head from which giggles emitted with exchanged leering comments to the boy standing near by. He had shifted now and I moved from the back to see him, the man whose veil was removed...
The Mexico mission trip left me bitter for organized evangelism. So much was staged and about numbers, baptisms, and the nighttime productions...flirting with teammates, worship campfires to refuel the mission flame, washing one another's feet with baby wipes. I just didn't see it, The Truth, The Way, and The Life where it should have been in a missional setting to nurture hearts until I met him. I'm not sure of his name, but I remember his face. It was the face that Paul refers to in 2 Cor. as a face that like Moses' from Sinai is brilliant! Shining! Alive with the power and glory of God shining through the Spirit within. He worked at an orphanage. He was old. He was just a man, but listening to him as he spoke with other leaders revealed a man that had devoted everything to the service of God."

I'm intensely focused on passage 4 of 2 Corinthians right now, and it brings to mind the face of the man from Mexico that "shone with the knowledge of the glory of God".
Paul was emphasizing that Moses wore a veil because God's glory in his presence was so great that his face shone brilliantly! With Jesus and salvation we are filled with life through the spirit and have a spiritual life that confronts the holy God. Why wouldn't our faces shine! The passage continues by stating that we are jars of clay, pressed, burdened, chipped, and crushed, but never fully broken, and each instance reveals more of a shining light within. I wonder if I am veiled...

It was an emotional day. I missed Patrick so much, felt lonely, sick, and in need of nurtuing. When I expressed this to Patrick he said some words that were amazing...I will always love you by nurturing you and caring for you, holding you and inviting you, but sometimes I will need to be strong and do things because I know that they are good for you, we both will be submitted to one another in marriage. I will lead.

I thought of God saying that. "come to me all who are weary and heavy-burdened and I will give you rest,(Matthew)" but at the same time He will make decisions and guide when it is good and right according to His will. I need to submit to His lead so that I will be that pot of clay that when I am broken and weary and worn, He will shine from within me and with each act of submission to his will, my face will shine with the glory of the knowledge of God for people to see. The bible also says that God's love does not need to be written down because it can be seen written on the hearts of those who love him. That is so amazing.

I guess finally I learned that both books of Corinthians were written either from or following paul's time in Asia during which he endured a lot for the sake of furthering the gospel and he did it through love, nurturing, building, and investing in relationships...shining the glory of God from an unveiled face that did not leave room for fear or control, but submission and love. I have such an amazing opportunity to serve God and those around me every single day with all of the sacrifice and refining that God will use to remove the veil from my face so that I can shine with the knowledge of the glory of God.