Hi Paul,
I’m sitting in my house feeling quite alone, somewhat uneasy, and very uncertain so my heart is skipping beats. I don’t have a particular cause for my uneasiness except that I keep thinking…about you, about money, about school, about the future, about friends, about many, many, many things. I know that God is telling me to be calm. I know that he is telling me that in this moment of fear, and questioning, and discomfort I am not trusting Him as I should; I have not surrendered all to Him; I have stubbornly kept a very tight grasp on peace of mind, security for this moment and for the future, on my plans, on my goals, my dreams, expectations for myself and others…I am very stubborn after all, and I want to tell God that I trust him with completely everything, but instead of releasing myself to God’s freedom I am keeping myself in bondage to myself.
I often look back at my time in China, through life growing up, at the encounters that I have had with friends, family, co-workers, etc. and I become extremely sick at heart for what God has required of my flesh in this life. I am not the type of person that one would think of as strong. I’m meek, shy, afraid, sickly, impish, frail, timid, insecure, doubtful, anxious, and I have a weak wit. Some of this is characteristic of my personality that is non-confrontational and somewhat prone to being a hermit. But the rest of it is just the glorious, physical, tangible definition of everything that is me. I am characterized by weaknesses. Don’t feel too bad for me because to compensate, God gave me a huge spirit. From the time that my body would fail me in friendships, in athletics, in standing up to Juliet, in going to youth groups, etc. I had to boost myself along in spirit –which basically means that left alone I would be dead or in a mental hospital at this point. Truly. I am a testament to the fact that the Spirit of the Living God indwells human beings supernaturally.
This is why. Every single time that I have had a friend, when I go out to have coffee, when I try to go to the doctor by myself, when I stand in front of a classroom to teach, when I smile and say hi to someone at church, my entire being is affronted, disrespected, accused, attacked, and shrunken –down to the most painful and critical fraction of my identity. This is not an exaggeration. For whatever reason, my flesh has the spiritual gift of being a target. You can ask Mommy in a few weeks if you doubt this –I have outrageous stories. I really should be either terrified sick of contact with human beings, or I should be on America’s Most Wanted list of people to watch out for –if all of the attacks would fuse into a thirst for revenge… I’ve responded many ways, however, sometimes with tears, sometimes with burning angry letters that I later tear up and throw away, I’ve ran away, quit, left, felt fear, allowed pride to manifest as stubbornness, etc. but the first time that I remember turning all of this to God was in 7th grade when I had just been laughed at by seven girls for something about my appearance and character. The sting prompted tears, but I fought them, and walking away, down the hallway, I put my hand at my side, cupped, as if I were holding someone’s hand, and I prayed that Jesus would be my friend, if my only friend, I believed that He was enough. That has been my posture since that time, and as I grow he requires more of me than just faith in Him, but also action to accompany it…to turn back to the girls mocking and persecuting me or the teacher, employer, family member, and graciously give them my respect, my Christian love, and my faithfulness as a friend, an employee, a sister, a daughter, a student, a teacher, etc.
See, life for me, interaction with the world is a complete, overt attack of my identity, value system, and character. I leave the house prepared for disrespect and discourtesy –even if it’s just to meet a friend for coffee or pick up my sister from the airport because the weaknesses in my flesh draw the power of the strong. It never usually fails to happen to me, even when I feel like I’ve done everything to be prepared it stings, it cuts straight to my heart and threatens me with being invaluable, and worthless. Every day by people who I love or respect this is who I am told that I am. And when my flesh would love the satisfaction of some type of revenge or retort or self-defense, or pride, or to flee I have to believe that God is who he says he is, that He has defined value in me, and then I have to put to death anything in my flesh that inhibits me from humility, love, promoting peace, and displaying the Character if Christ. This doesn’t mean that I don’t get to proclaim truth, which often slices through another person’s lies, but I don’t receive any satisfaction from this action in the flesh.
My life looks like this: prepare every morning and all day long with the truth, listen to God and train my ear to hear him amidst the noise, and the lies, and the temptations, and above my flesh. Then, I leave, meet with people who fling their criticism and judgment upon me, I let it burn my value and identity, I further persecute myself to deny the tendencies of my flesh, and I allow God’s spirit to empower me with peace, grace, love, and to renew me. It doesn’t take the pain away very often, or the doubts, the fear, etc. but I know that Christ has the victory because I stand against my flesh to more than conquer.
Why have I told you the pathetic story of my life? Hmm. I don’t really know, except that it is what I think about when you come to mind. I feel like I hurt with you because I too have made the sacrifice to be nothing in my flesh, and have entrusted God’s Spirit to control my life, and that choice requires more than we, in our flesh, and of ourselves have to give Him. He requires us to jump off of the cliff and perform the impossible truth like turning the other cheek, and MORE than conquer trials in our life, to oppose evil, and fight with jawbones.
You have to see the parallel of what you are going through and what God requires of those who are surrendered in the Spirit. God takes everything from you Paul, he takes you identity, he takes your courage, he takes you fortitude, your strength, every good attribute is nothing, is powerless without the Holy Spirit.
The difference between us is that I don’t really think that you are weak of flesh at all. I think your flesh and your spirit are equally strong. You have A LOT of strength of character, a lot of physical strength and endurance, a large support group of friends and family who really like you; you are not a weakling like I am. But, that just means that the surrender of your flesh, the steps to break you down and take your identity will be much more difficult for you. Do you really, truly, count your life as nothing? Are you willing to give God things like your health, your future marriage, your family, your life? Or, are those things still in your little fist, that you have justified by saying “God would want me to preserve those things…?”
I HATE hearing about what you are going through because I see who you are and I know what God requires of me, and it makes me to wince at how you must be feeling about all of it. But, you have to know that thinking about you right now is, I think, my greatest source of joy and has been for a few weeks. Paul, I cannot even fathom what you are going to look like and who you will be because I see who you are and I know that God has given you incredible leadership, masculinity, fierce faith and drive to uphold honor and truth…you are a warrior, a more than conqueror, a man that would hold a jawbone and win many, many battles for God’s kingdom.
Every single day we cease to be fully who we were the day before. Whether you were at home this summer, and at boot camp you would be a different combination of experience, character, and spirit. Don’t be afraid to loose your identity because you would anyway. You can’t go back to being who you were yesterday –it’s not possible, and even though parents, and your own memories will threaten to remind you that you aren’t young anymore, a civilian, my awesome younger brother in the same clothes every day, eating Apple O’s --you have not lost those things, but neither do they define you solely. You are that and so much more, you are that with discipline, humility, courage, strength, brotherhood, leadership, pain, fear, fight, determination, victory, and most of all, you are refined into the likeness of Christ more today than yesterday. Do not fear this transformation –it is good, and right, and part of God’s plan. You faithfully heard God tell you to go, and you followed. He will not forsake you. You were made for this. I can’t tell you how I know, but I do, and I see you as God does, as a beloved son, so so near his heart, and he delights in you, and will never forsake you.
I can’t tell you how often I pray for you, and how much I love you.
I’m fighting and cheering for you.
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