Marine

Monday, June 28
I just said goodbye to Paul. I had no idea what this would be like. I know that I love him, a lot. He’s one of my favorite people in the whole world; he’s my youngest brother, and one of the most courageous and devout men of God that I know.
I was going to write to him; I was going to talk to him; I thought we would have a heartfelt moment in which I could tell him everything that I felt about him, and encourage him, but as I walked out of my room several hours before the planned encounter he walked past carefully and said, “Um, I have to go now, and I don’t know when I’m going to be back.” I kept walking, awkwardly, and I heard him say goodbye to Juliet –he would see her on the East Coast in a few days –for the next several years they would be closer than any of the rest of us. When he walked in he opened his arms like he usually does. My brothers like to hug me –usually antaginizingly because they know that I hate hugs. His over 6’ frame and open arms usually receive an awkward, side-hug and I pull away, but I actually hugged him, I walked up and hugged him back, tightly, before I turned around and started to shake silently, crying, and afraid to say goodbye. I heard him laugh nervously so I turned around, attempting to stop, and said, “Sorry. It’s going to be okay,” and I turned back toward him, and again moved to hug him, this time lingering and crying at the same time. Far above my head I heard him sniffing too, and then he was also shaking while I mumbled, “I’m so proud of you Paul, I’m going to pray for you. I love what you shared last night; you’re one of the strongest men of God that I know. I looked up at him and he was openly crying. “I love you.” He looked earnestly and repeated that to me. And that was it, we both kind of dried up, and smiled, then he left.
I’m not sure why it hit me like it did, when it did, but I think that on the eve of his leaving I finally discovered, fully, who Paul is when he threw his bible that had the words "jaw bone" written along the spine on the grass in front of a mass of routy junior high schoolers and said, “Your eyes, and your attention were all diverted from me, to the bible just then. That is who I am.” He picked up the bible and held it up high declaring that “I have nothing to say, I have no worth, no value, no significance apart from God in me. Everything that you need to know about me, everything that I am, everything that is important to me is represented in here.” He flipped the pages and re-read, “I count my life as nothing," and he admitted that his life was now one with Christ, was at the mercy of God’s spirit to bring him through trials, and persecution, which he would stand and fight in the example of Paul who counted himself and his life as nothing apart from Christ. He told the boys that as a man of God he is a warrior for Christ, and as such he has said yes to the calling of the Holy Spirit and will embark on a journey with his life that will lead him to places that require faith.
I am so proud of him, so wrought with fear because when a man gives God everything God takes him at his word and changes his life, but I’m equally overwhelmed with awe and amazement anticipating with earnestness who he will be. I look at him and I don’t see just Paul, but I see the warrior identity and all of God’s frightening glory that emits from one so submitted to our King. He isn’t a biological little brother any more, but a man of God, so fully. He is my brother, he is God’s son, and he will honor his Father with every ounce of life in him. This I know, and I believe with fear, and trembling, and an indescribable love.

Received via text from my mom on Thursday, July 1
She told me that he said "Nothing could have prepared me for today."




Friday morning July 2

Hey Paul, nothing could have prepared me either for how much I would think of you and pray for you --it's nearly constant. When I heard that you were unnerved, glassy-eyed, and had lost your head for a while I could only praise God that he is faithful, and that he will raise you up. Mommy told me that the officer called you guys "warriors," "national treasures," "defenders of the truth," and I couldn't help but see the correlation between these titles and those that God gives to us. In this time that you are being broken down --you know that that is the place God also desires to take us so that he can build us back up into warriors, the treasures of His kingdom, and defenders of the truth. God is fulfilling his purpose for you in multiple ways through this training. I love you brother! May the spirit of God be upon you --he will infuse your heart and mind and character with himself.

P.s. You get the better end of this deal. You're probably celebrating 4th of July by jumping out of an airplane or creating more of a spark than any fireworks that I will see, and I have to stay here and be invaded by family --you aren't even here to help me plan tricks. What am I going to do?!!!