L'Etranger- a favorite book

I've been busy, really I have...working as an editor, folding clothes and becoming scented at Hollister. (FYI Have you ever tried to scent your home or room? The trick is to buy a large quantity of the scent...and every 1/2 hour for three weeks, or as often as you can remember...spray a large dose. After that once a day and eventually less. It's the Hollister/Abercrombie scent trick. You know you walk by the entrance to both stores and are overcome by men's cologne scent. That's how they do it.)
Anyway, I've also been working (with Patrick helping me) to write a cover letter and create a resume. I think that I would like to ditch the masters degree for now because it isn't required to be a real editor, you just need experience. Anyway, I am trying to apply for a position at Gospel Light publishers as the director of publications for youth curriculum. It's a REAL job, with real money, a real desk, and since it is in Ventura, about 1.5 hours from my house, apparently we can surf before and after work and there is a soda fountain all day long for employees. I'm hopeful, praying, and diligent to take steps.

God is working in my life. I have had to trust him to a degree that I didn't know was possible with all that is going on in my life tangibly and spiritually right now. I am always on a journey...I love The Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan for that reason. It depicts the Christian life so accurately as we are always in pursuit of our savior and fall into the "cesspool of despond" or the "worldly wise man" sends us to "the city of destruction". I have been blessed so much by my mom, Patrick, and The Power Of A Praying Woman by Stormie Omartian. I'm realizing that we are NOT controlled by our sinful nature and desire. We aren't defined, finished, or stagnant in our growth or development as individuals. For example, have you been stuck in a rut about something and it nags at you..it could be your mind either stuck in "worst case scenario" mode, or telling you that you aren't pretty or loved...it could be that you have the same tendency that has caused contention in relationships or one in particular that keeps reoccurring...maybe you have a hard time forgiving, leaving what is comfortable, reading the bible etc. Things that we believe about ourselves that we dismiss as personality quirks or characteristics from experience, that nag us and continue to plague us, are lies. They are thought patterns that I know God did not plant in our minds. We have control through God's power, authority, and spirit to claim victory and healing over those areas. All that it takes is faith and diligence to seek God and acknowledge His power. Anyway, I'm just on my journey, looking up, listening to my friends who are faithful, praising God, and stumbling along my way. God, I praise you for the Grace that you show me. I am so unworthy and so filled with joy in your presence.

I've been able to talk with Patrick quite a bit and we're just amazed at the ways God can unite our hearts through the distance. We talk about the fulfillment in a life lived for others, and that being nice just counts for so much. China stories are amazing and classic, but I will let you refer to his blog (link above) to hear about those.

Here is a random discovery that is worth any reader's ear. It is intense, and some of you may know this 7 year old, but I urge you to click this link and go to "Cowboy's Sweetheart" for a special surprise...but turn the volume lower first.
Here :)

Megan, I believe that you requested a picture of the "skinnies" so here it is. Enjoy and try not to laugh too hard.

He's alive...

Well of course he is, he just went to China. I'm so excited because I just got an email from Patrick and it made me super giddy and I have to get it out. I don't have many details but apparently he didn't realize that China is full of Chinese. He's tall and I think that he used the word stupid to describe his inability to converse. The apartment that he lives in is big (for an apartment), has a brand new tv and DVD player, a queen size bed, cooking supplies, a coffee table and chairs. I'd say that is quite the life. An amazing adventure, comfortable accomodations, and God's purpose running through your veins. The little dirtbag!
P. I dedicate these to you... pictures from my brush with China this summer in Chinatown, San Francisco. Love you!

Hellogoodbye

This post is dedicated to my Love and my future husband Patrick :)

Could it be an accident that I have had the lyrics of "Here in Your Arms" pumping in my ears for the past few days at Hollister, on the radio, and all over Cali as the newest band from Huntington Beach is promoted EVERYWHERE!
Hellogoodbye (*I'm not advocating all of the samples on their website) has crazy cool music and I want to dedicate the song "Here in Your Arms" to our future because you're leaving today and that is sad but I was thinking that even though we're saying goodbye to a season of our lives and even though we are apart, it is saying hello to something that could be so amazing, to faith, and exploring all that the Holy Spirit can do within us to unite us in spite of distance.

Our Story...a process of Hellogoodbye

It was absolutely pouring, more rain than I had seen in my entire life and I peered out at the "Skinnies," and "Whataburger" across from the hotel. We were certainly "not in Kansas anymore." I closed the door and opened my journal to make note of the surrounding, and I began writing to God as my thoughts melted into prayer, "Please God, help me to know your will whether or not this is the school that you want me to go to. Please help me to honor you through my decisions, give me strength and confidence not to be shy, but bold and confident..." A high school senior, insecure, wide eyed, thriving on adventure and romantic notions, I had carefully selected the clothing for my orientation day at ACU and I was nervously anticipating what lay ahead for the "Purple Friday."
The room was full of other parents and high school students. I couldn't bring myself to leave my mom's side and I chided myself for being like a Kindergartener. The presentation video had just ended and students that desired to visit the department that they were interested in were asked to raise their hands as each was called. I sat on my hand so that it wouldn't go up when I heard English. No other students volunteered either and as I sat, I just knew that fear was getting the better of me. The moments dragged and I heard the last call. Something inside told me it was now or never and as I was about to go to college I knew it was time to grow up so I fidgeted a little and my hand came loose and shot up just as Gretchen was about to call another department. She told me that Patrick was going to take me to an English class for the morning and I shyly looked up to see a man in front of me. I was used to high school "boys" short, squirmy, clean-shaven, preppy. This man had on a bright yellow jacket, a beanie, hiking boots, a hiking backpack, long hair, and an unshaven chin. Perhaps I was mistaken, but I didn't see any mountains in the area and he looked like he had just been on a long hike. I think we talked some on the way to class, but mostly I blushed under his scrutiny and froze in response to his questions. In the classroom we climbed all the way to the top row of a grammar class and sat away from the others. He took off his jacket and had on a stretchy polyester long-sleeved shirt with white swirl patterns on it...this guy was weird! Throughout the class he made me giggle continuously and I had to stifle it with my hand. At one point he reached in his backpack and pulled out what looked like a small dictionary and announced that it was his favorite book "Les Miserables" and that he was reading it again for fun...wait, he reads books like this for FUN? Hmmm. After class, well, we ducked out early, he took me on a private tour while I asked him questions about himself, about college, about God, and about life, and he had some candy reeses pieces that he was throwing at people on the first floor of the building while he talked. Finally he said, let's just sit and you can ask me anything at all that you want to know. We talked and for the first time I was speaking with someone that comprehended God as I did. I was smitten. He was silly, and adorable, and I respected him, and wow...I couldn't stop blushing.
Through chapel I looked for a yellow jacket...I never saw one. In the cafeteria, as we took a tour, all day I looked, but I didn't see him. Finally the day was over and we were in the Beansprout for purple milkshakes and I didn't want to leave when my parents kept asking because I wanted to see him at least once more but after 1/2 hour we walked up the steps and my heart sank. A few steps away I heard someone bounding up the steps and Patrick came over, gave me a hug, and said goodbye. When we drove away I knew that something was different. I wrote that night in my journal that I had met the man that I was going to marry.
Once I was home I didn't have enough to say about him to my friend Megan. (Oh, and my visit to ACU was good from the academic perspective too) I set to work devising a plan to contact him but it took me a while to think of... I wrote an email to Gretchen thanking her for putting together the event and letting her know that I really appreciated the tour guides Patrick and Lydia and if she would forward my email to them I would appreciate it. She did because Patrick wrote to me and I think my heart jumped into my throat I was so excited! He gave me his email and instant messenger screen name and invited me to correspondence. His screen name was Patrick876. I didn’t have one and so cleverly and to complete his sequence of numbers, mine because noelg543 (Get it? 876-543). Anyway, we talked about God, life, decisions; discernment, faith, actions, college, Haiti, his girlfriend, and he became someone that I respected more than someone that I had a crush on. The crush was deeper and more profound until the day that he wrote near the end of my senior school year that I needed to grow up and develop my own faith and understanding of God. I took the hint and for over a year we didn’t talk. I went away to college that fall and the girls in my dorm asked if I was interested in any boys and my response was always the same. No. I am waiting. “For what,” is a response I got often. For someone to fill the shoes of the man that God already placed before me. I knew this guy Patrick and he was amazing. He changed my life and I know I won’t ever talk to him again, but I am praying for someone like him. They always laughed.
I changed a lot, grew up, learned to depend on God and developed my faith significantly. I was patiently waiting and last summer my friend Megan said, “Do you remember your friend Patrick? I’ve been talking to him online for a few weeks.” Did I remember him? Did I remember him? Of course!!! I wrote him an email essentially to tell him thank you for the impact that he had on my life by being a man of God with wisdom and leadership, never thinking that we would ever be friends again. He wrote back, then I wrote, and then we called each other, and pretty much I fell in love…the rest is a process of faithfulness, love, endurance, God’s direction, and joy.
I said goodbye to him in May for three months this summer, and it was the worst gut-wrenching goodbye ever. I think I pulled a muscle crying and through the mental difficulty God showed me that I don’t NEED Patrick, and that I cannot look to him to fulfill me completely. I also learned to savor the little things about him like his dimples and his laugh, the way that he cares for me, and how he likes questions before volunteering information. The goodbye in the summer allowed me to say goodbye as a girl, and when I said hello to him a few weeks ago it was amazing; I was more in love than ever.
We said goodbye again…this time for 10 months possibly and six at the least. Something that he and I have been exploring is God’s comfort in 2 Corinthians. Comfort is not as we tend to see it as alleviating pain and difficulty…God’s comfort comes when we experience these things. It doesn’t take it away, but it gives us hope to endure, it allows us to know that when all else fails, His love and consistency keep us going. I said goodbye to my fiancé and now we are saying hello to something new, a new season, a new trail that has been less tear soaked and more comfort filled at this point with hope that God is here amidst the pain.
Patrick,
I love you forever. God gave you to me. You care for me and guide me and teach me through the Holy Spirit. You change my life; you help me and cover me with love through painful times like Jesus would do for others when he was on earth. I want to help you and serve you in every way that I can. I know that He is the source of our love and He is the strength that will help us to get through. God, will your please give him your endurance, and extend to those around him from his hands and mouth and feet and eyes. Please fill him with your presence and reveal yourself to him. Be his strength and comfort and source of hope. Will you unite us in your spirit and continue to help us bring honor to you every single day together and apart.

"The LORD bless you
and keep you;
the LORD make his face shine upon you
and be gracious to you;
the LORD turn his face toward you
and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-26

I know they sing this at ACU but I first read it in a book when I was 12 and thought it was so special and romantic and I would pray for my future husband using these verses.

Next stop for you Mr. Vincent, China…Hello!

Laguna Skinnies

You know when you see a style and you say "I will NEVER EVER wear that..." I said that. In fact, I spent most of my life laughing at anyone from the 80s to wear this style. What is it? No, it isn't leggings. Read to find out.

I began working at Hollister today. They said flat out that I was hired because of my appearance and that it is my responsibility to maintain it. The main focus of the orientation was my "Hollister look" the ins and outs of this appropriate image. I actually had fun folding clothes, talking to people, being friendly, and I discovered something that makes me ecstatic

TEXAS HAS LEFT A STAMP ON MY HEART!!!

I had a few people comment that I was the most friendly person that they have met in the store in over a week. Others just looked frightened that someone would talk to them... I was so excited because that is how I was when I went to Texas last year. I was a California girl, and although we like our sunshine, surfing, and the noun, adjective, and verb "like"...We aren't very friendly or aware of people outside of ourselves and the tight circles we create. When I went to Texas everyone reached out to me, they wanted to know me, to be my friend and they changed my life. I'm so excited about my job because I want God's love to shine through me even if it is a smile of acknowledgment or a casual conversation. Praise God for letting me keep that part of Texas in my heart always.

So...back to the story. I worked 1-5 and then at 6, we had orientation and then "shopping" where we had to try on a pair of Laguna Skinnies to buy along with two green and white shirts, a belt, and flip-flops at 40% off. Laguna Skinnies are pretty much tapered jeans only they stay straight instead of flaring at the hips. They are so silly looking and I vowed never to buy tapered jeans, but they are the season special and my "Hollister look" depends on these "skinnies". So, to humor them I did it, and it's kind of fun to wear them because I just enjoy laughing at myself.

I am in love. I know that I have mentioned it before, but seriously, distance does nothing! I was reminded of that today as I talked with people and I saw how special Patrick is.

I ate radioactive eggs the other day. I never blogged about that, but it was cool. They tasted normal but apparently they weren't because they showed up in my stomach for the 2 hours that I slept under a camera with a warm blanket. Going to the doctor can't get much better than that. Breakfast, a warm blanket and a mid-morning nap.

I love everyone right now. Maybe I am on happy pills or just filled with God's peace and joy. I think that's it.

Here comes the dress...du du du done!

I woke up breathing heavily just as the light was coming in through my blinds. At 5am I was awake contemplating my nightmare. It was a dark salon filled with white, poof, bustles, ribbon, lace, tulle...the gowns were chasing me as I tried to escape and began to run into them, so many different ones...I sat up...I guess I really am a "Bride to be".
I've been surrounded by the excitement about my engagement since I've been home, humoring family and friends with the engagement story and showing my ring; I've even purchased a bridal magazine, but I hadn't realized the depth until I was being attacked by wedding gowns.
It was time to face the frenzy head-on. A friend recently married made a suggestion: That the location, and the dress be taken care of as soon as possible because of alterations and time necessary to order, and because the remainder of the plans are contingent upon the site. For a normal girl excited about a wedding and in love, searching for a dress would make her feel like a princess. I'm not a normal girl. I don't even own a dress, no, not one. I hate slips and special undergarments, adhesive tape, adjustment, and like being able to sit with my legs open. I stood just inside the looming storefront as white spots danced before my eyes; I gulped, and my dilated pupils got even larger.
"Hi Ladies, how can I help you today?"
Long pause, me in a trance, consultant waiting, my mom fidgeting, waiting for her adult, 20 year old, bride to be, to speak.
More silence, awkward silence, my mom hesitated a bit more before speaking, “She’s looking for a dress.” Pointing at me.
Jolted me back to the present, “Uh, ya, I’m looking for a dress.” Sputtered nervously.
She (consultant) back in control, smiled, and resumed her rehearsed “happy-script” free samples all around: smelly body wash, rose spritzer, gum, and coupons (yippee!). For me, the “Blushing Bride to be” (That’s what she called me) they had a catalogue gift pack. I was to look over it and then find a consultant who would bring the dresses in my size to try on because “The dress of my dreams was waiting to be found today!” (Seriously, they were on happy pills). I thumbed through a catalogue of bead and flower infested gowns finding nothing that piqued my interest and my mom convinced me to try some on for style, so I showed the consultant and made my way to the “Mirrored wall of bridal bliss” (that’s what I call it) complete with elevated rounds that I could perch on to flare my train (I didn’t even know that people had trains, that’s a completely different topic).
I was ushered to a suite laden with piles of undergarments. Who knew that brides could hide so much ammo beneath their fluff? I was strapped with an upper body support suit sucky thing, and a petty coat. I sang aloud, “Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep and looked under my skirt to find them.” This wasn’t greeted with too many smiles.
The consultant instructed me to lift my arms and placed me in the dress (it was definitely not the other way around). I shuffled to the perch and found that I had disappeared, poof, gone. It took a few moments of concentrated effort before I could make out my nub of a head and twig arms emerging from the white. I sang (this time to myself) “Here comes the dress…du du du dun.” Three dresses later, much himming and hawing by passerby and other observers, I felt like a life-size Barbie doll.
I want to be beautiful, I really do…but all of the simple dresses that I have found are designer and over $1,500. I don’t want the music to start on my wedding day and have Patrick look down the isle to see a dress walking toward him. If I were writing to Dear Abby, I would end the post, “Walking dress in California.”

Patrick,

I would want a lop eared bunny similar to this one. It's a Holland Lop, a miniature form of traditional lop eared bunnies and much furrier.
Rabbits can be house trained in about a month and a half...similar to cats, they like to go to the bathroom in the same place, and usually somewhere that is private or not surrounded by a lot of activity.

1. From day 1, you get a litter box filled with newspaper and woodchips. They will probably sleep there until you begin to put pellets in there and they will begin to recognize what it is for.

2. Once a pattern has been developed, you can open the cage door and let them hop in a small area. They will usually return to their box but if not, you watch when their tail begins to move from their body, clap your hands twice firmly, and lure them to their cage or pick them up and place them in the litter box. *with Rabbits, only positive reinforcement works or they will associate their litter box with punishment.

3. Begin to expand their space one room at a time and even place multiple litter boxes in the home (probably 3). The rabbit will hop, jump, and flit about and within a month and a half should be nearly accurately potty trained.

What do you think?

Juliet Terese

I looked to you for everything... how to dress, what music to listen to, how to treat boys and what to think about other people. I wanted to be smart because you were (only I had to work 10 times harder), I wanted my doctorate because you were getting it. I wore your clothes and used your cosmetics; I felt grown up when I was included with you and your friends. I was the school newspaper editor after you and I always thought that you were so pretty. I'm sorry that I haven't ever told you.

Do you remember when you gave me a cup of "soda" that was really dirt and I drank it?

When you would get Lemon Heads and I got Red Hots after swimming lessons.

The times that we made cards and disagreed over easter dresses...you ended up with the pink one and I had blue?

You were always the busy body leading us on new adventures or to set traps in the pantry for Michael and Paul.

You chewed on our Barbie's feet which always aggrivated me :)


Juliet,
I miss you. I want to walk with you across the Potomac to Georgetown so that we can find you some comfortable walking shoes. I want to sit in one of your little coffee shops and talk about weddings, life, and whatever else we can talk about. Our friendship has been difficult because we've always been sisters...I want to know you and be a part of your life. Please help me by being kind and supportive of me. I love you and I miss you big sis, so so much. I'm so glad that everything is working out for you in DC.

I was cleaning out a drawer today and found a timeline of pictures. It reminded me of Megan and Ptrick's that I saw earlier in the week and I thought that I would post for them to see....


In elementary school I ripped my pants on picture day while I was playing. I heard the rip and then the whole crotch area from the front to back split and I was exposed to the whole playground.

The picture in the middle is first communion (when I was Catholic).

By 6th and 7th grade, both bang pictures, my hair was SUPER long and stringy. I used to curl my bangs with a little curling iron and spray them until they were stiff (Where was my mom?!). I also had a huge gap in my teeth in the middle.

In 8th grade I still had my man eyebrows that didn't go away until my freshman year and my mom took me to get them waxed. Hooray!

Finally, my senior picture; a bit girly, but such an improvement.

Patrick, here is one for you:



You looked like a little Dirtbag from the time that you had chubby cheeks and blonde hair...I on the other hand must have become a dirtbag when I met you...what do you think?

Big thoughts for a little person

So, there's a phrase..."Home is where the heart is." Patrick informed me that "Heart in a suitcase" is a logo from U2

While I was flying to LAX from Dallas I realized after a MAJOR breakdown that pain and sorrow and worry and the question "why" can be bondage, and I really don't think that it is from God. Here's the thing. It's okay to have faith that God is my rock and that He will deliver me. Yep, it's okay to sing a hymn from my childhood out loud during a breakdown on an airplane, and it's okay to fall into a deep exhausted sleep after sobbing, but it isn't okay to be consumed by this and claim it as your reality. We have been given deliverance and victory in Christ and we need to buck up in faith and claim it!
Somewhere above Arizona I realized that my God has given me a mind and will and determination, fortitude, and hope. I need to claim this in my perspective and take another step JOYFULLY.
I love Patrick's subtlety, slightly smug, Jr. high 'king of the world', adorable look when he bowls a 139 and I get 64 (after I bragged that I would beat him), his silly grin with a dimple when he is being a Dirtbag and he knows it. I like to watch him clench his jaw in determination and the consistent eye contact against my "fortitude" not to eat or to run away or hide from confrontation; I love that his eyes sparkle and get really big when he is dreaming out loud and forming his BIG Ideas; I like that he talks really fast and has every little thing mapped out when he learns something new and tries to teach it or explain it to me; I love his interspersed yelling and commentary, random serenades, accents, and silliness that is Vincent (Patrick and Megan), and I love the look that comes across a room full of people, his look just for me. I am marrying him!!!!
I know that God gave me love for him because love is something that comes from God only, not from this world or from our hearts, but Love is of God and that same God connects our hearts through His spirit if we just claim Him, His will and provision for our lives.
So basically prayer as I see it is taking our faith and claiming it boldly before God that we acknowledge His majesty and holiness and praising Him.
These comments may not all go together, but I was thinking about all of it today.
I haven't cried since Arizona. I will, I know that I will, but tears of anguish and hopelessness are so much more bitter than tears that love, and hope, and are sweet, making your face glisten.
Patrick and I are just seeking to honor God in the most effective way that we can. Please pray for us, and hope in us, and cover us with love as friends and family, and (future family!). God is more amazing than we ever knew and He is with us.
Amen.

Here's another of my favorite pictures:

My Fiance

Praise God!

Only One More!!!

One more essay...
One more day...
One more test...

My summer has been deadly, actually fatal. I died. Of course not ALL of me died, but certain things. I'm completely different than I was three months ago and I guess I can stop and look back because I am one away from almost every goal I set for the past three months.

I had 20 hours this summer and it was all squeezed into 7 weeks. I am one essay away from completion making a total of 12. Just one!!! I'm so glad that I took everything though. I love to learn and I feel like although I lived in book world for a few months I am emerging better for it. I have thought about things that I never have thought about and struggled in ways I have never struggled before, I learned to apply my fortitude to something good, and I have met some amazing people in the process. Wow, one more essay.

One day away from kissing the most amazing man ever, from hugging him for real and not just in my imagination. I know that three months isn't an eternity, nor is it the 10 months that he will be in China, but it is a start and I am more in love with him now than I ever have been. Three months of fervent and almost constant prayers for strength, of daily emails and digital pictures, strained phone conversations, tears, patience, hope, peace...One more day Love, and I will be with you :)

I had an emergency this weekend. My throat clogged up and I couldn't eat; it became difficult for me to breathe or swallow. I went to the emergency room and while I was waiting and shivering with goosebumps, dried tears on my cheek, a velcro band timed to take my blood pressure every 30 minutes, and a shot in my arm to relax the muscles in my esophagus, I thanked God that he allowed me to live. The woman in the hall had just been in a car accident, another lady was in a wheelchair going into surgery. I thanked God for life and as I was there, I saw the hospital garment that I was wearing and faced it without fear. I thought for the very first time about what it would be like to have a baby, to be in the hospital for that...I hadn't ever thought that I would be a mother before, children were just not something that I was cut out for, but I prayed that God would direct my heart...I trust him. Leaving the emergency room, I decided that something has to change. I saw my doctor this morning and I have a pretty intensive test scheduled involving tubes in my nose, cameras, food, liquid, and in the end ANSWERS! We have come to the final test to hopefully diagnose my condition. One more. Praise God!!!

I think that a new chapter of life will start in a few days and I just want to remember "One more." There is always an end that testifies to God's provision and faithfulness. I can get through, and I can look back on the lives that have been changed, the ways that God has refined me, and I can see Him more clearly. Thank you Father for One More. Forever.

This morning was so much fun! Juliet’s best friend Josie is turning 21 and she and all of her friends are driving to Las Vegas for the weekend. They stopped here on their way to get Juliet so we made omelets, waffles, orange juice and lattes. I made everyone coffee and did the dishes after they left, but it was still fun. Here’s a picture of our yummy breakfast and all of our friends.

Feelin' Groovy

I just love Simon and Garfunkel
Today was a morning for "The 59th street Bridge" song:

Slow down, you move too fast.
You got to make the morning last.
Just kicking down the cobble stones.
Looking for fun and feelin' groovy.
Hello lamppost,
What cha knowing?
I've come to watch your flowers growing.
Ain't cha got no rhymes for me?
Doot-in' doo-doo,
Feelin' groovy.

Got no deeds to do,
No promises to keep.
I'm dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep.
Let the morning time drop all its petals on me.
Life, I love you,
All is groovy.

At Long Last...

I can't believe my indifference, my lack of understanding and information. 6 months later as I read, my eyes fill with tears at the beauty of God's love.
Last semester at ACU our school welcomed Soulforce Equality Ride, which is a 7 week bus tour to confront schools that ban the enrollment of gay, lesbian, and transgender students to end religion based oppression. I heard of it the first time in chapel as some students cheered in favor of their arrest while Dr. Money and others stood firm in the desire to welcome these individuals, people, to our campus.
I remember the conversations mostly about preferences and acceptance of gay/lesbianism, whether or not it was right, what it was about etc. However, I didn't know what was in the making, what was bubbling beneath all of the surface debate in classrooms, dorms, and among students and faculty passing. The day came, and it basically went for me. I saw their bus, I drank in the songs at chapel that were so BIG that day (I can't explain how worship was, it was just beautiful)...I knew that they were there, they had name tags, but the day went and with it the many chapel forums and the discussions around campus. I forgot about it, and it never really affected me.
The final chapter of my sociology book for the summer is the statement of the author's "coming out". She is a lesbian, unashamed, and views herself as bold and liberated. An essay is devoted to those who claim both Christianity and lesbianism and the contradiction that forms one's identity. I hadn't listened before, not really, to the struggle, the misconception, the pain of this lifestyle of rejection from every source. I am not prepared to make a statement about my beliefs regarding these issues, but in the consolidation of the final essay and some questions that I was to respond to at the conclusion, I looked up an event that had passed me by and what I read made me cry.
* Twenty-one arrested at West Point Equality Ride action
* Equality Riders experience redemptive suffering at North Central University
* Forgive us our trespass: Equality Riders arrested on Regent University
* Equality Riders repeat history lesson: 24 arrested at BYU
And then I read
* Grateful for Abilene
I clicked this headline and read:

Sunday night, after a long day of travel from Oklahoma City to Abilene in a stuffy bus with no Freon (thus no air conditioning), we arrived at Abilene Christian University in time for a nice dinner sponsored by the university. This is the first school to offer us an official welcome and provide us with forums and the space to give presentations and attend classes and have structured dialogues with students, faculty, and staff. It struck me when we first arrived in the room to eat dinner that the smallest of courtesies -- providing us with name tags -- indicated that they cared about who we were and wanted to get to know us as individuals. We had some good discussions the first night with graduate students in the theology program, then a number of us went to an a capella praise service. The following morning, we met students and staff members for breakfast at 7:30. They served us an amazing Texas breakfast of eggs, bacon, sausage, biscuits and gravy, and fruit. No one left that room hungry.

I started to cry because I saw Dr. Money in that welcome, I saw Dean Barnard and Justin Scott, Dr. Willerton, the freshman that I always passed and smiled at (I never knew his name), I saw the welcome in the music at chapel that day that was like angels singing, I knew that God had truly been present and it made me ache with homesickness for the community of men and women that put forth everything to serve and honor God with their entire lives.
This is what the Christian life looks like, it looks beautiful, it looks like love, it looks like our God because it reflects Him.

Oh Father, thank you for the beautiful glimpse of your love, even though it is 6 months late I think that the timing is just right. You are beautiful and Holy and I want to praise you with my life. May others see your reflection when they see me.
Amen.

I was looking at this tree and I thought...wouldn't it be amazing to live in a tree?
Have you ever seen the old Swiss Family Robinson movie (Disney 1960) ? It's amazing! Pirates, tigers, pythons, an awesome tree house, and I think that there is even romance. I suggest that if anyone is bored that they go to their local library and check it out. I love it!

I just thought of another really weird movie made about the same time, Blackbeard's Ghost. Weird.

I have banned the following words/phrase for the next nine days:

* School, Homework, Patrick, Paper, Library, (and) I have sooo much to do!

The following topics are also off limits:

* Complaints about and conversation revolving around school/homework/class/papers
* My future with Patrick and life for the next year and a half
* Whines about missing him and everything that that entails (Do you want some cheese with that wine?)
* Hunger, boredom, extreme business, loneliness, and a lack of adventure

It was a Converse day

What can I say; it’s been a good day. I guess I can say that a good day includes:

Swimming, always swimming!

A good day means that I ate good food. I had free ice cream from Cold Stone because it was my birthday 12 days ago and I signed up for the birthday club (Hey! No one is too old for the birthday club).

I found an amazing new song that is special to my heart; I can guarantee that maybe only 1000 people have heard it ever, and it will be tucked away for a certain occasion that includes a white dress and an isle :)

What else…Oh, I was so distracted from my homework ALL day that I didn’t get nearly as much done, as I needed to, but life was good.

The best part was that was able to talk to Patrick face to face. It was just through the little camera on my computer, but still, I take what I can get and he is so cute and special that I think I’m still smiling and that was a few hours ago. Maybe I’m just a dork, but I think that it is love; I’ve heard that it can make a person do silly things.

Oh, Tyler and Ann got married today! Yeah! I don’t know them as well as I hope to some day, but they are both special to me and I was actually excited for today even though I’m in California because it’s more than just the wedding, it’s them. I think I’m inspired by their friendship and love, their focus on God, the way that they enjoy one another, the invisible sparkles that they emit, devotion, companionship, and they are both just amazing!

As I’m getting ready to conclude all of the things about today there are some very critical future decisions that I need to make. Graduate school, China, Texas, Washington, Editor, Teacher, Missionary, Wife, vagrant, philanderer…just kidding about the last two, but how do you make a decision about life? I just want to serve God with all of my heart living in complete faith and dependence upon him, like Paul or John or other people in the bible that truly gave every decision in their lives to God. It wasn’t the easiest life filled with comfort and happiness and ease, but it was full, and passionate, and inspired, and faith filled. How can I live this way and still make wise decisions for my future.

Lord, I have a joyful heart tonight. Thank you so much that I could talk to Patrick :) Thank you for your blessing, provision, grace, and wisdom. I’m sorry for the areas of my life that I retain in fear…it is so hard for me to take a step unless everything is illuminated as a green light or orchestrated by an audible voice. Lord, please help me to have faith so that I can live a life that honors you. I praise you for crickets and laughing, for beautiful songs, and for ice cream. You are an amazing God. I love you so much. Amen.

My thoughts. I just needed a place to put them.

The windows show me my world; they limit it to something that I can stare at, only. "My world" is not a function: something or somewhere that I can interact; it is a picture, a symbol of life, similar to actual living plants, that in the 111 degree weather are a symbol of something living, yet are made alive by sprinklers, a convention to sustain the desired symbol, that bring the only life that is to be had. Everything in my world is a symbol of what is desired and nothing that is.
The parking lot below is filled with “reality”? A Mercedes makes status "real," or is it a symbol for a desired identity? The square plot of land on which the college rests is green, rich green with trees and flowers, and ponds, but the fourth floor windows let me see beyond to the brown, the mirage of liquid heat that beats off of black pavement or distant brown mountains. The green is an illusion, a symbol to create something that is from something that is not.
What is, is my computer, the 12x6” reality of my current existence that documents my understanding of social theory and communicative structure and strategy. It reveals the heart of Langston Hughes and forgotten oppressed men, whose skin color made them prisoners and trapped in a white world. The world is not white however, the world is an illusion for something that we desire and cannot attain; it is an outlet for empty pain and meaninglessness, a constant excuse for an unfulfilling existence.
Where is the nature that inspires dreams, the relationship that brings the symbols to life? A hike with a lonely heart, a drive through the mountains or a walk along the shoreline are empty, fruitless, passionless symbols for a heart that is without relational context. Reality ceases to be filled with meaning, it becomes an empty symbol and the emptiness begins to beat and taunt and ridicule. Knowledge becomes shapeless without the relational purpose that brings form through meaning.
I am empty in a world of symbols, color, and meaningless knowledge. How long will the window break the spirit that stares out with it’s face pressed against the glass as a child’s and then force it to retreat back inside for reality to become the symbol once again of meaningless knowledge. I read… “Reality as interactional activity.” I interact, I pick up the highlighter, it projects a stream of meaning with a yellow tint, and my book becomes my present reality. My spirit breaks. A tear slides down my cheek.