Paradise

I definitely rolled out of bed this morning, or was pulled. I'm not exactly sure because I was so sleep, food, and confidence deprived for my plane departure at 5:45 this morning (Texas time). I did not brush my teeth, comb my hair, wash my face, eat, or get dressed. I pulled a sweatshirt over my head; it smelled like fried food and sweaty hands from Fantasy Land the night before. I trudged into the dark, hooded, with a backpack and flowered pillow slung over my shoulder, oh yeah, and an orange in my hand.
I was too late to check my luggage; I had to leave it there. I missed my flight also.
Somehow I got scheduled on another one. I wasn't paying attention, but I know it happened because I handed over my big suitcase that was nearly empty, took off my shoes for security purposes, and I woke up on an airplane in Dallas. I understand that people are supposed to be more coherent when it comes to things like this, but I think my body worked with rationality to get me to gate E16 at DFW, my mind was still in a Kierkegaard anthology. I checked in at gate E16, and sat down numbly to watch people file onto an 8:20 flight to Salt Lake City. It wasn't until the final boarding call that I realized it was my flight as well. Row 38C. The Utah State basketball team occupied the last five rows of the plane. My seat was directly in the middle next to "coach" and several 7ft. tall males slouching and crunching for the three-hour flight. I slept, I think, or read, or watched a movie, I don't really remember, but I twitched a lot. I would be falling asleep and then I'd jolt awake. I think I disturbed Coach who was trying to read Glory Road.
Utah. The Rocky Mountains in winter. Need I say more? They were amazingly white illuminated by the sun, set out in contrast to the bright blue sky, and framed by fluffy white snow clouds. I watched from an airport window as I peeled and orange and wrote about people and commitment. I read the psalms. What sets me apart in this world?
Nice Guy sat next to me on the way to Bako. He has four children, and is from Texas, but on business in California. He loves his state and his family. His job? I think it is a way of life.
I'm home without my luggage. My parents are very upset with my indifference and can't talk to me unless it is a string of questions about my irresponsibility. My answer was simple..."I checked it in and tagged it. It should be here in a few days." They looked completely taken back. What had happened to their daughter? I could not give them that answer except that for the first time I was standing before them.
Food was first, and then throw up. I got in Michael's new red convertible sports car that definitely has a high power sound system and extra hair whipping capacity. I felt like a California girl, the stereotype, not the real thing. I still feel disassociated. I know I'm home, but my feelings have yet to catch up to the several thousand miles that I traveled from Texas today.
I have another story to tell, but I'm still composing it; it began about two years ago. I think this break will prevent me from blowing hamburger helper from my nose after throwing it up over 150 times, and also, I will open something amazing, I can feel it. A new understanding of the God that I serve is dawning on me. Through this stage in my life, he is showing me himself in a way that I never thought that I would understand.
Kurt Vonnegut wrote:
I wanted all things to seem to make some sense, so we could all be happy, yes, instead of tense. And I made up lies, so they all fit nice, and I made this sad world a paradise.
I really hope that I don't lie to myself by disassociating from hard times to create a paradise existence where I am perfectly happy instead of tense. I am shaken up by my health, position in my family, desire for adventure, experience with so many new things, and I miss Patrick so much! I'm pretty sure that God doesn't want to create a paradise on earth, but I think he mixes things up a little bit so that we can see our need for him, our humanity, and the way that He is absolutely mixed into everything. Amen.