Tonight I buckled into my seat, rolled the window down, and waved goodbye to my parents as we left their driveway. For about one block I was good, and then I began to chatter, trying to ignore the obnoxious phrase "YOU ARE GOING HOME TO NOTHING!" flashing in my brain. Along with, "What purpose does your life have?" "Patrick will go to work and you will live a whole day alone, in your apartment, with no friends to see, appointments to make, work to do, hobbies, or projects... (it continues, but let's not)."
I'm terrified of these realities, and here is a glimpse into why that might be.
As the tires engaged with the freeway for what would be the next 130 miles, I thought what do we do in the car, and said this out loud. I asked Patrick, "beyond me trying out all of my 50,000 questions on you all the way from Bakersfield to Long Beach (because I could, and have), what do we talk about/do in the car now? Do we like to listen to music, do we call other people, listen to a tape, talk about our future? What do we like to do from Bakersfield to L.A.?" First of all, who asks this kind of question --as if there is a scripted and appropriate right way to travel every time? And further, it seems odd to plan, or preempt that informal space. It's similar to fancy mom blogs whose road trips come equipped with activity kits mounted to the back of a child's seat with crayons, pens, coloring books, books, dvd player, headphones, etc. and then scheduling, from Bakersfield to the grapevine you can color, but only with crayons, and then switch to pens for 10 minutes, read two books, then watch a movie. How absurd!
In the past, I had coveted this nearly three hour trip to unload a host of my most pressing God questions, future plans, changes that I/Patrick need(s) to make, assessment and critique of certain establishments, all of these amount metaphorically to a desk piled high and quite messy with papers. My process is equated with filing them categorically in my mind through my filters of morality, religion, spirituality, life goals, family, etc. To what purpose? So that I can orient myself to my world thematically, categorically, and purposefully. Think of Lady Catherine DeBurgh from Pride and Prejudice "Very well, I shall know how to act!"
With my knowledge, experience, and practices carefully presiding over all that comes and goes from my mind, I am sure to never be surprised, caught off guard, left standing vulnerable, attacked, or rejected. Just a moment self, consider briefly the things that upset this incredibly presumptuous approach to existing: God, people, and life. Nearly every thing that matters evades my ability to actually control, though my system of filing sure helps with the illusion that all is perfectly safe and tidy. Further, I had been so hasty to figure it out; If I could control God, people, and life, then I was not just floating in the flotsome of space and time aimlessly, as the masses of people depicted in documentaries on fast-forward. My nervous, anxious, controlling behavior feared each time when life would come along, people, and most especially God, acting in a way that He sees satisfactory, contrary to what I have deemed possible or acceptable. Ohh.
The question, "what do we do when we drive from Bakersfield to Long Beach" was necessary tonight because I had never made the journey with awareness that the questions and problem solving are futile, at least for the purpose that I generally seek. I saw the world for the first time clearly, as bigger than my internal file cabinets of answers to all of life's unanswerable questions. Tonight I realized that the majority of my purpose is derived simply from the fact that I exist. My task is to be a human at this point in time, to simply show up to my life each day.
How does one "just show up?!" What does showing up look like?, and how do I do this? By realizing that another hour will pass, and another day, regardless of whether I am the wound-up, spring-loaded, completely controlled and controlling type A self, or if I am more organically oriented, like a plant. A plant is as susceptible to time as me, and every day it matures more fully into its purpose for existing by simply showing up in a natural sense, and just becoming, through no assistance from a mind, will, or action. It grows taller, bears a flower, becomes pollinated, grows a vegetable, and reaches maturity with its crop simply by being in each day, and nothing more. My vision for maturity without control looks closer to this. Every day, regardless of what I do, and where I go, and what another person may do, or how he may accrue value, we are all simply the same mass of humanity showing up to our days to see what God has next in blogging, manufacturing, praying, or teaching. A day is another opportunity to recognize that doing nothing (to control for a certain outcome) adds a far greater value than we can be otherwise, under the guardianship of our own heavy hand.
1 comment:
Showing up is our job, outcomes are God's.
Post a Comment