Confusion

(These are un-edited thoughts early in the morning. I'm glad.)

I was startled awake by the violent buzzing and vibrating of my phone along with the awful "rock-imitation" ring-tone that I had set earlier for some unknown reason. I held my phone and just stared at it as it lit up in unison with the horrible music and shook like crazy. Andrea was calling and before it registered in my fuzzy brain at 12:00am, it was too late, I had missed her call. I pressed the hang-up button and the most shrill horrifying noise erupted from the stupid piece of technology. I could not silence it and it grew louder so I had to cover my ears and shoved my phone in the closet to muffle the noise, but it grew louder and louder. Frustrated, I was about to break it to get it to silence when I heard shouting on the hall..."Fire Drill". I grabbed some shoes and shook my head in disbelief. I guess my phone was the innocent victim accused of the shrill and aggravating screeching.
5:00am. Croak-Croak. My alarm went off. I set it to the alarm titled "croak" under the illusion that nature's natural wake-up call might settle and wake me more peaceably than a traditional unnerving buzz. I had fallen asleep the night before without beginning my paper and so I got up at 5:00 to write it. It still isn't written. I have until 4:30 to finish, but I did wake up smiling. Go figure, the earlier I wake up, the happier I am. I just feel so disillusioned and lazy when I wake up past 7:30. Hooray for 5am.
Boys...girls...they all complicate EVERYTHING!!! Maybe that is why I never had an interest in friends before, I was sick of the drama that I had witnessed in high school and swore off of friendship forever. Now, I enjoy my friendships so much, but life is so big, it's huge! Our focus here is so small and when petty things become so large, when small crushes and past repression become the focal point of everything, there is a problem. I am not discounting that issues concerning love and the heart are not important, but I am really getting sick of it being in the forefront of every conversation that I have had recently. I care about Kierkegaard, Pascal, expanding my knowledge of God and the bible, preparing my heart to love others and become aware of the world around me in a historical and political context. I get so mad at myself when I sit to listen to friends and find that I am annoyed and not listening to them earnestly. I don't want to talk about relationships anymore. If boys have hurt you, get over it, trust God, and expand your world-view. If you have a crush or are obsessed, either keep it to yourself, tell the person, and move on according to the result. If it is not reciprocated as I know, it will sting a little, make you nauseous, and life will go on. Perhaps a friendship will be much better.
I'm just confused...confused...confused. Girls claim to be "anti-boy" and then flirt incessantly and get vengeful when someone poses a possible threat. God, help me to have patience and understand.
Boys are so simple and say that they never think, yet they stress about relationships with girls and then never say what they think but just get moody and wired.
I am moving into a house and yesterday there were three couples in my livingroom displaying newly married affection and kissing or staring at oneanother with glazed eyes. God...what are you teaching me?
Confused...why is innocence a bad thing? I am not prideful about it, and I do not label myself "innocent," but how is knowledge gained of intimate things? I cannot picture individuals sitting around discussing their sexuality or intimate acts, I don't care to watch it on television, and why in the world is it such a big deal that I have not been exposed to these extremely private things. I know what I need to, but society has exploited sexuality so that is is prevalent to conversation and understanding daily life and I don't believe that this is necessary. Purity and chastity were actually prized at one time and it is just strange to me that I have been criticized on more than one occasion by christian friends for being innocent. I'm confused God...is that supposed to happen. I feel like I am required to soil my mind with knowledge of other people's intimate affairs so that I can be normal. I won't. I look forward to sharing my life and intimacy with someone some day where discovery and purity will enrich the experience to a degree unexplainable.
Finally, I am confused about the weather. I guess warm is good, but I am used to a cool if not cold November. I want to drive to Bass lake or Shaver lake today and just look at the snow, the vastness of God's creation, contemplate the changing seasons, my life right now, God's direction, international affairs, the coming Christmas season. I want to hike and breathe in the cold air so that my lungs burn. I want to take a picture of sun reflecting on snow and I want to observe the ice crystals that become visible. I want to be kissed.
I know who I am and God I want to know you so much more. I am incomplete incapable of functioning without your presence. Please un-confuse my confusion and help me to understand your purposes and to live to fulfill your plans for me. I love you God, so much!