Drown me

I didn't surf today. I was cold, sick, and my head ached, but I still waded out into one of the strongest rip currents and wave sets that I have been in. When you body surf, it's just you and the wave, but you are a speck, basically you might as well be a grain of sand. I stood shivering and my eyes became huge as I saw the wall of water building behind me and coming with an exceptional speed and tons of force. As the wave came in it came with so much force that it wasn't even possible to stand because it sucked me in out into the ocean and then released me with millions of gallons of water pressure. Many crashed right on top of me and I tumbled beneath the surface, gagging and feeling alive. Sometimes if you feel risky you can dive beneath the wave, but you have to face it head on and the occasional large chunk of seaweed or a wayward boogie board will slap you in the face. Um, that hurts. Basically I spent the morning nauseous and immersed in a book, the afternoon being pummeled by giant waves, sun, and rip tides, and tonight I just feel alone. I miss my family on vacation still, I miss friendship, I miss simplicity, cool weather, and I think I miss knowing God in ways that I used to. Last summer in one of the books that Patrick and I shared, "The Pursuit of God" by A.W. Tozer, Tozer wrote, "I venture to suggest that the one vital quality which [great saints] had in common was spiritual receptivity... They differed from the average person in that when they felt the inward longing they did something about it. They acquired the lifelong habit of spiritual response."

I feel the longing of the spirit to do something more, to be something more, to really long for God more, to pursue him even with a boring/busy/lonely period of life. Lord humble my heart so that I can see you. Open my eyes to the realities around me beyond my tainted perception. Help me to love. Please change my life.