Getting a life pt. 1

These are my new best friends Christa and John. Well, John is just my best friend by default because he is Christa's Fiance, but I love them!
Christa is silly and smart and pretty and fun and loves God and John. We have English classes together and I hang out at her apartment sometimes. We go shopping, to coffee, have conversations about school and life and weddings, and I can call her whenever I need something. That constitutes a best friend.

So this is a first of a blog series I hope to start. Some changes need to be made in my life starting now!

I received word today through a very disheartening email from a trusted school advisor that I am not going to be graduating in December. To include details would bring more tears so I will leave it at that. I really am dying here. That is not said lightly (because I could really have a terminal illness), but inside I feel myself dying. It is sad.

I have sought God ever since I can remember whole heartedly and now the bottom has fallen out of my life, an excellent time for faith to sustain me...but my flesh is aching of loneliness, selfishness, fear, pride, anger, and pain and I just wonder "when will it end"? If I am making a difference by existing, and how much more I can endure?
Because it is my blog page, I will not stand on precedent and I will have it out once and for all: My fiance is in China and that distance between us expands every single day, school administration is torturing me and today the grand finale was the most intensely shaming hate-email that I have ever received, I will not be getting married in January, I am living at home (enough said), my friends are in Texas, I have looked continually and applied for SEVERAL jobs and haven't found one so I am absolutely broke! I can't even indulge in some kind of a release, I have become so inwardly focused because of my life that I am neglecting everyone around me and becoming a self-centered orbit of a person and in ALL of this I am seeking God but wondering just where he is leading because all of my dreams seem to be failing and I am forgetting to trust Him because a life of faith, regardless of what I learned at church on Sunday is not a joy-ride filled with peace and smiles, it is cutting ourselves from things and understanding apart from God so that He becomes I AM in our lives. Ouch is right!

So, I spilled it all, everything, done, gone, finished, given to God. I HAVE to let it go because it is making me crazy and I have to start seeing the good things and becoming aware of His constant still presence in my life.

I think I'm going to get up early early every day to start changing my focus from me being tired and rolling over to devoting my life to Him and reading from His truth every morning instead of sporadically.

I need His direction right now more than ever. It takes work. Funny how we think that our faith is a decision to accept God and it's a free ride from there...haha! It is us seeking Him daily, hourly, and by minute, drawing near.

I'm sorry if you are one that I neglected. I am going to change my life tomorrow, and it isn't going anything more than turning my eyes from myself to the Almighty.

Father,
I praise you for your constant ever covering love that casts out every one of my fears and the negativity in my life. I pray for forgiveness in the areas of selfishness, pride, and "self" indulgence and I pray that you would reign in my life again, provide direction, love, peace, and hope. I need you. I need you. Halleluiah!