should, should, should, SHOULD!!

Directionless signs

I woke up this morning with a familiar anxiety: I have nothing to do today. No!! It was back.

This has been the first thought in my head for the past few months until yesterday. Thanks to the flu I was awake most of Monday night, and so when Tuesday morning came I shivered beneath the covers, willing sleep to claim me for the entire day. I was blissfully unaware of anxiety; nothing was a welcome reality. Between frequent, periodic naps, sips of 7-up, moaning nauseously, and watching Bewitched episodes on youtube I delighted in nothing to do, because I felt more rested, calm, happy, and myself than I had in years -even with cold sweat, an upset stomach, and aching muscles.

Today the anxious phrase welcomed me, along with a reduced fever, slight dizziness, and the decision of whether or not to go to work. I jumped up, and instantly began to babble philosophical nonsense about purpose (at 5am no less), value, responsibility, and more. Before Patrick really engaged I was retreating to the couch --whoa, too much gusto for the morning after a 24-hr. flu bug. Dizziness flooded my head making the decision for me. I would stay home today, but not all of me agreed. In fact I'm sure my body was the only one behind that choice, the rest of me in petty resignation, with a bad attitude. My mind resisted sleep, my will chanted conflicting shoulds, spiritually I was active in trying to find a discipline that wasn't too taxing, and my imagination wooed me to spend two hours on a PhD application, while responsibility pressed guilt and shame into me every time I looked around at the clean laundry piled high, sick sheets, pillows, and dishes on my dresser, couch, and coffee table. Near 11:00 my eyes were droopy, head spinning, fever escalating, but when I lay down my mind was spinning with thoughts, questions, ideas, and a general sense of business in complete non-cooperation. I called Patrick exasperated, and my observation was basically this:

I should rest

I should be at work

I should have spent the past four hours reading my bible/praying

I should fold the laundry and put it away

I should apply for graduate school

I should plan meals and hopefully be able to grocery shop this afternoon

I should reply to a few emails

At the other end of the spectrum:

I want to watch Bewitched

I want to eat whatever I want to -even though it upsets my stomach

But mostly I just want to do what I should do, and I don't really know what I want to do!

Two blatant problems stand out 1. The shoulds conflict significantly 2. I am all-work-and-no-play, harried, anxious, and driven by unrealistic and conflicting expectations for myself making the problem I don't know what to do instead of I have nothing to do.

How lovely. No wonder I don't wake up to the blissful melody of violins and piano playing La Vie En Rose.

Previously, in my old life, I was a student and full-time teacher; I had goals that I pursued to further graduate studies; my home usually hosts people four of seven nights per week for dinner or conversation, often both necessitating grocery shopping and cleaning. But now I am a wife, part-time employee at a job with this job description: sit there in case students come in (rarely!), my goals are hazy at best, and friends still come over, but everything is on hold because of my sickness. So, without a social/cultural/spiritual definition of what my role is, and consequently what I should do in that role, I'm lost.

What remains, for me, is a polarized spectrum of should, and want, to govern my decisions. How very unsettling since my shoulds conflict, and my wants are undefined.

If I can't decide for myself what to do, and others can't decide (culture, friends, husband), then I tentatively look up...God? A little hint? But then "his" voice is rewritten with dogma. Surely God would say "Read your bible and pray," instead of read Real Simple or apply for secular grad programs. Right? -I used to think so. In fact, I have no idea what God would say. I mean, he may not mind telling me which black shoes to wear in the morning with my dress pants --the patent faux snake-skin heels or the matte mary-janes any more than he would mind ordering each day for me in the wake of confused inability to choose between the shoulds and the absence of wants. But somehow this defies the truth that He made me with a mind, a unique identity, and discernment to be a grown up person in this great big world.

So, fine. I venture out to find company --because more than misery, indecision likes company! Book friends, real-life friends, my mom, Patrick, they all become informants, and easy prey. As humans we love to help people who are hurting, and inform people who ask for our advice --don't we? I think subconsciously I depend on this and constantly, parasitically leech information from those who love me (and tell me what to do!!).

I hope this bugs you as much as it does me! I do what?! And frankly, I can't believe that I'm writing this right now! Yes, I am so unaware of myself, conflicted by conflicting shoulds, concerned with not knowing what I want/like, not sure what I'm supposed to hear from God, and wanting ever so much to be defined in some way that I try on someone else for size to see if maybe it'll be a fit. Of course there might be some alterations made, and bits and pieces that I resist, but largely I respond, "Yes, yes. That's good. Okay, I like that. Hmm, I think I'll try that!" And voila, for the day at least I find some sense of purpose in trying to be, according to the person. If I had read Mother Teresa I spend my day in prayer, if I talk to my mom I turn to the responsibilities at hand with a sprinkle of creativity, if it's Patrick I attend to details and his hobbies, ...but really this does nothing, obviously!!

And so I end this with the expectation that now you, readers, will tell me what to do (hint, hint). Or else we will all be in suspense until God teaches me to walk in the identity that He has given me.

Praise God for grace! I really do mean that.