Oh my, I have been neglecting this page

I think the word farewell is distinguished...so much better than saying goodbye. What does that mean anyway? Have a "good" "bye"? Hmmm. Instead it is almost like a blessing...I hope that you "fare" "well". I'm watching a concert DVD right now and the band ended with those words.
I'm watching my life right now as I stand back and look down from a written perspective and wonder if I have been consumed. Maybe "I" that I thought I was, isn't anymore. The song on the DVD says, "Patience is what comes when you're waiting all alone...Bring back the good times." Maybe the "good times" are all the time but we don't realize until we are alone and looking back. How do days become recognizable "good times" before they are just a recollection?
I know, I know. Example please...
I'm working at Hallmark (complete with old ladies and dusty clutter/fluff everywhere), but it's simple, fun, and pleasant. I just finished my english major and had an A semester. I play racquetball and guitar with Michael and Paul frequently. I'm able to help my mom out because she hurt her back, and so we talk, clean, and bake. I meet my dad for lunch and go on walks with him almost every night. I have my own room, money, a car. I love Patrick with all my heart, and God is changing me to resemble him more every day. Sounds rough, right?
I think it is going to become a "good time", but it has been the most difficult that I can remember in every way. I wish I was better at recognizing the "good times" before they pass. That's all.
I'm fascinated by screamo music. I hope it is a passing thing, but I really like it for being ecclectic and moderate. I don't like screamed noise, just when words are detectable.
I wish we could just go sit. Someone read this and come meet me on this bench. I want to talk. I love words, but written words are intense. Let's talk.


Farewell.

Piracy is my only option -Jane Austen

I’m a compulsive cleaner.
I was sitting in class today and I’m sure an incessant swishing could be heard of my pant-leg and shoe against the carpet as I had an antsy twitch in my leg that bounced my leg up and down. I tried to busy my hands with writing the notes and disregard the shouting in my head that seemed to get louder and more convincing that what I was learning has nothing to do with life. It hit me yesterday that I haven’t learned anything in college. My mind has expanded as well as my analytical ability and writing, but nothing else. If I had gone into biology I would know all kinds of new things about the structure and inner processes of life and beings, or chemistry and the composition of matter…but no. I learn over and over about analysis, all intangible, speculative things that do not have absolute truth. We were talking about incest relationships in class today. Grrr! Do I really need to hear about more incest or flagrant disregard for morality and healthy intimate relationships? My leg shook more intensely and I slumped to one side scribbling a deep blue mark on my notepaper filling it in deeper and deeper until the paper split and I refocused my attention. I fantasized about passing out and just falling from my chair to end the torturous two-hour session. No such luck. I just feel so anxious today. Maybe it was the chocolate donut that I had for breakfast with a banana. Maybe it was that school just gets to you after the quarter is nearing its end, maybe I’m just ready to be married and nothing else seems to matter, or perhaps I just want to go spend some time with God. Finally. 10:00. I bolted for the door. Perhaps more quickly than I ever have.
Home
Well, I’m still feeling it. I have two term papers due on Thursday, a two hour class this afternoon, work, tons of paperwork that still remains to be dealt with. An angry other employer that I volunteered to help…SILENCE!!!!
That’s better.
A little Christmas music, an introduction to my paper, and 1 hr. later I’m ready to clean. I love cleaning as an impulse. That, and doing intense physical activity which drives the anxiety out of me. I think I will go clean the kitchen and bathroom, do laundry, air out my room, change my sheets, and make lunch. Yes. That sounds good. What a morning. Oh, it’s only 10:43.

Desperate Anatomy of Office working Grey Housewives in Scranton?

I'm in the middle of documenting research for a seminar paper that will complete my English degree requirements. I'm realizing how much I love to study language. A word can be used repeatedly and still mean something new when combined with different things. I am amazed at character and narrative within a work that casts the human psyche on something created. No wonder every author that we read is crazy from Plato to Kierkegaard, Wolf, Camus, and Vonnegut. Words, language, and thoughts can become like the machine that runs constantly every day to calculate the mathematical pie. They are endless. Anyway, I'm savoring every bit of this research and project because I am realizing how little exposure I have had to processed entertainment.
I was not exposed to television. It wasn't forbidden or restricted, but there was always a lap or a bookshelf to come to for a book. I played outside for hours every day, I explored means of information that required processing and extraction, like whole grain versus white flour. It's hard for me now to see and hear references to television all around me, movies, the newspaper (which is sometimes as cheap as a tabloid)...and I get so confused because I feel lost. I read an article today about projected technology for the future, I heard several conversations about tv shows and the smart house that turned the television on automatically when the proprietor came within a few feet of their home. I'm sad because I am getting chills reading about the mimetic persona of literary characters and wondering if the staged, over-sexualized, perverse, moral-and-truth deprived drama of the television will fill my home some day...whether I will have a voice or if I will submit to other desires. I'm sad that I cannot mix, that my spiritual and intellectual understanding clash with what is our current reality. I am not prudish, uninformed, or overly moral...I just know what is right for me and I wonder if I will have to give this up someday.

Getting a life pt. 3

Well I definitely don't have a life right now.
I'm pathetically addicted to Alias and I NEVER watch tv shows, but I can't stop...what the heck?
Secondly I'm writing a paper that's due at midnight. It includes Naturalism, realism, modernism, postmodernism, subjectivism, existentialism, Freudian theory, and a few other -isms that Patrick and I counted. I'm having fun though.
I have another job that I stumbled upon...my sister informed me that I have had too many jobs but I had 10 hours/month at Hollister, that's pathetic when bills need to be paid!
It's at Hallmark working with some amazing women with white hair and lots of smiles. They're cute and asked me to work, so how could I refuse? I'll work at least through the Christmas season...go to work every day to listen to christmas music, smile at nice people, and spread some Christmas cheer. I imagine that it will be somewhat different from Hollister that pounded profane music in my ears when I went in at 6am but I am through being bitter about that job. Done!
I think that I am also supposed to publicise that Patrick wins every single game that we play. He's just interesting in that way...he always wins! Literati, Scrabble, Checkers, and all of the other games we play online!!! Some day Love...you have it comming so watch out :)

I think that is all for now. Oh, I guess I just don't think to write about this, but God is still amazing and in control and I am actually learning what it means to love Him. It's so exciting because I've been reading and talking about him so much more. He's pretty much an amazing and incomprehensible God!

ps Does it make us nerds that we play checkers and scrabble online? Just checking...we do what we can.

Getting a life pt. 2

Subtitle: My white scrappy pillow

I absolutely love going to class, writing papers, and participating in discussions. I suppose it could be for lack of any other social interaction (despite several efforts on my part to initiate friendships. Grrr) Anyway...the weekends are sad, long, drawn out, and usually boring. However, I woud like to share my new pillow. You may think this is lame, but I am proud of it :)
My grandma bought me a new sewing machine a few weeks ago and while I was cleaning out my closet yesterday I came across some scraps of old sheet, a pair of pants that I needed to get rid of, and a packet of extra buttons that came from some Banana Republic pants that I have. I put them all together and one and a half hours later...tada!!! My new pillow, which is also exciting because I saw one like it that I wanted to buy at this cool boutique store for $35.00. Mine is made of scraps, it was free, and I love it!

Getting a life pt. 1

These are my new best friends Christa and John. Well, John is just my best friend by default because he is Christa's Fiance, but I love them!
Christa is silly and smart and pretty and fun and loves God and John. We have English classes together and I hang out at her apartment sometimes. We go shopping, to coffee, have conversations about school and life and weddings, and I can call her whenever I need something. That constitutes a best friend.

So this is a first of a blog series I hope to start. Some changes need to be made in my life starting now!

I received word today through a very disheartening email from a trusted school advisor that I am not going to be graduating in December. To include details would bring more tears so I will leave it at that. I really am dying here. That is not said lightly (because I could really have a terminal illness), but inside I feel myself dying. It is sad.

I have sought God ever since I can remember whole heartedly and now the bottom has fallen out of my life, an excellent time for faith to sustain me...but my flesh is aching of loneliness, selfishness, fear, pride, anger, and pain and I just wonder "when will it end"? If I am making a difference by existing, and how much more I can endure?
Because it is my blog page, I will not stand on precedent and I will have it out once and for all: My fiance is in China and that distance between us expands every single day, school administration is torturing me and today the grand finale was the most intensely shaming hate-email that I have ever received, I will not be getting married in January, I am living at home (enough said), my friends are in Texas, I have looked continually and applied for SEVERAL jobs and haven't found one so I am absolutely broke! I can't even indulge in some kind of a release, I have become so inwardly focused because of my life that I am neglecting everyone around me and becoming a self-centered orbit of a person and in ALL of this I am seeking God but wondering just where he is leading because all of my dreams seem to be failing and I am forgetting to trust Him because a life of faith, regardless of what I learned at church on Sunday is not a joy-ride filled with peace and smiles, it is cutting ourselves from things and understanding apart from God so that He becomes I AM in our lives. Ouch is right!

So, I spilled it all, everything, done, gone, finished, given to God. I HAVE to let it go because it is making me crazy and I have to start seeing the good things and becoming aware of His constant still presence in my life.

I think I'm going to get up early early every day to start changing my focus from me being tired and rolling over to devoting my life to Him and reading from His truth every morning instead of sporadically.

I need His direction right now more than ever. It takes work. Funny how we think that our faith is a decision to accept God and it's a free ride from there...haha! It is us seeking Him daily, hourly, and by minute, drawing near.

I'm sorry if you are one that I neglected. I am going to change my life tomorrow, and it isn't going anything more than turning my eyes from myself to the Almighty.

Father,
I praise you for your constant ever covering love that casts out every one of my fears and the negativity in my life. I pray for forgiveness in the areas of selfishness, pride, and "self" indulgence and I pray that you would reign in my life again, provide direction, love, peace, and hope. I need you. I need you. Halleluiah!

Noël Christine Guaglianone's Saturday Post

I have oficially procrastinated for 2 hours. But, is it really procrastinating if it is still Saturday and my paper isn't due until Monday? Hmmm.

I am no longer an employee of Hollister. Praise God!!! I resigned.

My shoes are brown and pink. It makes me smile just to look at them and brownies are about to come out of the oven in 10 minutes. It's a good Saturday.

What should I read? I'm thinking a little of Acts, and a lot of Pilgrim's Progress. I'll write more if I am inspired by my reading (which is likely to happen).

Ok, Bye.

Here's an amendment to the discrepancy over my last post. I want to share my favorite picture. Want to know why it's my favorite?

1. I love him. So so so so much!!!

2. He is holding me and that's my favorite thing.

3. It shows Patrick's dimples which are so adorable :) (computer smiley faces don't come with dimples)

4. I was praying in the picture praising God for how special Patrick is and I get to be his WIFE!!!

5. It makes me happy because it reminds me (when I am holding my pillow and crying silently) that he really is real no matter how far and distant it seems.

I am having a difficult time with the administration at school messing with my graduation date and it looks like it won't be in December which means no wedding in January and no Patrick until June or later. I feel like I am falling apart and I have God to keep me all together. I've never cried so many tears but still, I have hope, the slightest flicker.

God, please be with us.

Discernment

Do you ever have that gut feeling, the eerie lay awake in bed feeling like you think you know what to do and that decision might change the rest of your life and you just beg God for his audible voice to clarify if it is from him or if you are being emotional, or all of the other stresses in life are coming together...I hate that. Please, if you read this, pray for me.

"Lord, I pray you would give me your wisdom and understanding in all things. I know wisdom is better than gold and understanding better than silver (Proverbs 16:6), so make me rich in wisdom and wealthy in understanding. Thank you that you give "wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding" (Daniel 2:21). Increase my wisdom and knowledge so I can see Your truth in every situation. Give me discernment for every decision I must make.
Lord, help me to always seek godly counsel and not look to the world and ungodly people for answers. Thank you, Lord, that you will give me the counsel and instruction I need, even as I sleep. Thank you that "you will show me the path of life" (psalm 16:7-11).
I delight in your law and in your word. Help me to meditate on it day and night, to ponder it, to speak it, to memorize it, to get it into my soul and heart. Lord, I know that whoever "trusts in his own heart is a fool, but whoever walks wisely will be delivered" (proverbs 28:26). I don't want to trust my own heart. I want to trust Your Word and Your instruction so that I will walk wisely and never do ignorant or stupid things. Make me to be a wise person.
You said in your word that you store up sound wisdom for the upright (Proverbs 2:7). Help me to walk uprightly, righteously, and obediently to your commands. May I never be wise in my own eyes, but may I always fear you. Keep me far from evil so that I can claim the health and strength your word promises (Proverbs 3:7-8). Give me the wisdom, knowledge, understanding, direction, and discernment I need to keep me away from the plans of evil so that i will walk safely and not stumble (Proverbs 2:10-13). Lord, I know that in You "are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge" (Colossians 2:3). Help me to discover those treasures." -The Power of a Praying Woman (Amazing book!)
Amen

The mouth of the righteous speaks wisdom, and his tongue talks of justice. The law of God is in his heart; none of his steps shall slide. Psalm 37:30-31

1968

I wrote about 1968 for my college admissions essays. I loved that year.

Once I found a penny from 1968. It was the year I took AP US history and I looooved my class. The penny was defaced, smashed, as if by a hammer and in my head I believed that it was part of the protesting of Vietnam, when hippies roamed the earth and burned and defaced US symbols of democracy.

The next item in my collection was an original tape of the Beatles "Seargent Pepper and the Lonely Heart's Club Band". It was a bit worn, but the tape was authentic, a 1968 original that I found in a dusty box. I treasured the tape and the messages of revival, protest, and drug induced musical freedom. I don't condone drugs, but the historic imprint on the music.

Finally, my special 1968 mustang. I drove my 3 speed no-air conditioning little car all around through high school, putting up with its quirks, putting in anti-freeze and changing the oil...once I was all dressed up for an award ceremony and my car overheated on the way so I stopped, opened the hood, rolled up my girly sleeves and dug in...meanwhile a truck of guys pulled up and asked if I was a damsel in distress. I confidently wiped the oil from my hands, dabbed the water that had splashed on my shirt, closed the hood and said, "No thanks, I've got it." I started my engine and left them in my wake. Ahhh, it made me feel a little bit of power and confidence to do that for myself.
More than that though, I imagined that it embodied a time of national interest, the radio once informed the drivers of the Nixon debtes and watergate scandal, updates on Vietnam and extend to the Cold War. To think that it was more than a car, but a piece of history that I was now a part of. It was a beautiful thing, and I played my Beatles tape, placed my penny in the ash tray, and happily drove my "history-mobile" around. Anyway, I think I am selling it to a mustang showroom, which would be pretty cool and I will know in a few days. Here are some pictures as a hopeful farewell tribute to my piece of 1968 history. Au revoir!

Why am I still in America? Why...oh why...oh why?

I had some negative remarks about the picture post below and the hidden metaphors. Sorry. Answers and truth are so rarely spelled out for us. Jim Elliot said "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose." Logic, reason, and understanding are just conventions of making sense and finding answers, but they are faulty in explaining faith unfortunately. So...when it comes to God, we cannot keep our logic and reason and gain understanding. However, I don't like that quote. Jim Elliot said much more inspiring things. For example, he was always aware of God's holiness and the forever presence that is the Lord in the lives of those who claim him. Here is his prayer and mine this morning:

“Lord, my heart is weak this morning; make it strong in faith. Just as Moses
rose early and ascended the top of Sinai to have you write on the stone
tables, I ask that I might rise, apart from others, to have Thee engrave Thy
law of love upon the flesh tables of my heart. Surely thou knowest this
hunger for holiness I now experience, for Thou must have implanted it. Raise
me Jesus...”

"There is a chapter of Revelation in everyone's life" -Anne of Green Gables

My picture "collage" is a symbol. It reads metaphorically...

Paul + conversation + broadened faith + Zephaniah = Patrick + Noël on January 27, 2007

I may post the long version some time.

Perhaps I am still 3

I love the simple peace of a simple life, with simple things and simples joys, smiles, laughter, friends, flowers, sun, rain puddles, and fuzzy blankets. I love the simplicity of a child's world, of simple awe and wonder the inquisition with the question "why" and special kisses behind a tree as we hold hands on a long walk down a tree-lined street. As Kierkegaard, I love to think...and think...and think. Why do I feel this way? What brings purpose to life, how do I fulfill God's purpose for me? What is the root cause of anything. I am disturbed when the underlying questions don't have answers like the green of the grass...why is it green? but why? I want to know. The world is a wonder and when I can't know why I feel lost grasping for truth that should be immanent? a foundation, and solidarity. Perhaps the answer to my why is control, mild assurance that will produce security.
You don't approve, but why? I hurt you, why? I'm in a silent mood, why, why, why!?
Feed me the why and I will feel peace.
He says...faith, wisdom, faith, petition, faith, hope, faith, knock, faith...
Why do I hurt, why am I alone, why am I scared, why me, why not now, Answer my why...
In a whisper "I AM."

de profundis (Latin:from the depths)

Unlike me, you are not -I trust that you will agree with me and not be offended that I say so -you are not accustomed to holding your life poetically in your hand... So you see, it provides an occasion for misunderstanding when you bring up the story of your own love life in this connection. I know nothing of these pathetic palpitations-my relationship with her has a completely different sort of reality...You are apparently a novice. You have feeling. I have passion. But my understanding is enthroned over my passion. Yet my understanding is itself a passion.

Kierkegaard...I love your words. Dear parents, how much I wish that you knew.

Best Friends

This post is for Megan Halterman...my longest best friend that is in Brazil right now. I miss you!!!
So, I decided I would remind you of our Sophomore year and all of the silly things that we used to do...surf on garbage cans, make movies about a Sasquatch and the Crocodile Hunter, Superchick music videos in cheerleading outfits, painting, "swimming", and the Victorian dresses from my grandma.










There was a bee...

L'Etranger- a favorite book

I've been busy, really I have...working as an editor, folding clothes and becoming scented at Hollister. (FYI Have you ever tried to scent your home or room? The trick is to buy a large quantity of the scent...and every 1/2 hour for three weeks, or as often as you can remember...spray a large dose. After that once a day and eventually less. It's the Hollister/Abercrombie scent trick. You know you walk by the entrance to both stores and are overcome by men's cologne scent. That's how they do it.)
Anyway, I've also been working (with Patrick helping me) to write a cover letter and create a resume. I think that I would like to ditch the masters degree for now because it isn't required to be a real editor, you just need experience. Anyway, I am trying to apply for a position at Gospel Light publishers as the director of publications for youth curriculum. It's a REAL job, with real money, a real desk, and since it is in Ventura, about 1.5 hours from my house, apparently we can surf before and after work and there is a soda fountain all day long for employees. I'm hopeful, praying, and diligent to take steps.

God is working in my life. I have had to trust him to a degree that I didn't know was possible with all that is going on in my life tangibly and spiritually right now. I am always on a journey...I love The Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan for that reason. It depicts the Christian life so accurately as we are always in pursuit of our savior and fall into the "cesspool of despond" or the "worldly wise man" sends us to "the city of destruction". I have been blessed so much by my mom, Patrick, and The Power Of A Praying Woman by Stormie Omartian. I'm realizing that we are NOT controlled by our sinful nature and desire. We aren't defined, finished, or stagnant in our growth or development as individuals. For example, have you been stuck in a rut about something and it nags at you..it could be your mind either stuck in "worst case scenario" mode, or telling you that you aren't pretty or loved...it could be that you have the same tendency that has caused contention in relationships or one in particular that keeps reoccurring...maybe you have a hard time forgiving, leaving what is comfortable, reading the bible etc. Things that we believe about ourselves that we dismiss as personality quirks or characteristics from experience, that nag us and continue to plague us, are lies. They are thought patterns that I know God did not plant in our minds. We have control through God's power, authority, and spirit to claim victory and healing over those areas. All that it takes is faith and diligence to seek God and acknowledge His power. Anyway, I'm just on my journey, looking up, listening to my friends who are faithful, praising God, and stumbling along my way. God, I praise you for the Grace that you show me. I am so unworthy and so filled with joy in your presence.

I've been able to talk with Patrick quite a bit and we're just amazed at the ways God can unite our hearts through the distance. We talk about the fulfillment in a life lived for others, and that being nice just counts for so much. China stories are amazing and classic, but I will let you refer to his blog (link above) to hear about those.

Here is a random discovery that is worth any reader's ear. It is intense, and some of you may know this 7 year old, but I urge you to click this link and go to "Cowboy's Sweetheart" for a special surprise...but turn the volume lower first.
Here :)

Megan, I believe that you requested a picture of the "skinnies" so here it is. Enjoy and try not to laugh too hard.

He's alive...

Well of course he is, he just went to China. I'm so excited because I just got an email from Patrick and it made me super giddy and I have to get it out. I don't have many details but apparently he didn't realize that China is full of Chinese. He's tall and I think that he used the word stupid to describe his inability to converse. The apartment that he lives in is big (for an apartment), has a brand new tv and DVD player, a queen size bed, cooking supplies, a coffee table and chairs. I'd say that is quite the life. An amazing adventure, comfortable accomodations, and God's purpose running through your veins. The little dirtbag!
P. I dedicate these to you... pictures from my brush with China this summer in Chinatown, San Francisco. Love you!