Part 1...

My journey began today. I think that I am going to try to chart every high, low, or significant moment because this time in my life is like nothing that I have ever experienced…
I was shaking. The intensity of the loss and sadness made me shake and tears poured silently down my face. I couldn’t control it. No amount of truth or reason could stop the pain and he just called for me to come to him as he held me tear pouring, snot flowing, sniffling, shaking, the works and he whispered prayers in my ear… God, be with us, make us strong…it will be ok…I love you. Interspersed were hilarious comments about my appearance and the abundance of snot that would not stop. I wondered how it could be God’s will, how so much pain could actually make us stronger, but I believed…and kissed the man who has captured my heart in every way, who God has allowed to take it and become a part of me.
Patrick graduated on Saturday and will be gone to a camp on Lake Travis for the summer before he will be going to China to teach English at a University in Shanghi for 10 months. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, to experience adventures, trials, new countries, God’s amazing character, joy, pain, service to other people, and life. He is my best friend, the man that I love, and God’s design for me. I said goodbye to him today for 13 months.
I left his house an absolute soggy mess and drove the speed limit to get on I20 around 11:30. 3 minutes had not passed before a red Miada several yards in front of me turned into a driveway and immediately swung around back onto the road requiring me to slam on my breaks and swerve to the side of the road so that I would miss her by mere inches sending her car into a ditch where it was skewered by a pipe. Whoops! I started bawling all over again. Good grief (I really was an odd emotional mess today).
As soon as I got back into Abilene I went into high gear withdrawing from classes, requesting transcripts, I got my oil changed, fluids checked and tires filled. I returned some pedals to the bike store, ran a few more errands, packed my car, and cleaned the baseboards, blinds, and ceiling fans of the entire house. While doing this I updated my future plans.
I’m graduating in December with my BA in English and then I plan to work for a publishing company and take night classes in pursuit of a Masters degree in English. I will be able to choose one of several choice American cities to live in and I will be following both paths that I wanted to take. With a MA I will be able to teach at a community college and with the experience at a publishing company it would probably be time to move up to editor status. Choices…choices…and then there is one more, but that revolves around a certain economic developer?
I had French toast for dinner from Cracker Barrel. Mmmm. I love when parents come because they always provide excellent meals. I wanted to take my mom to the lake to see the stars because they are amazing in Abilene at night, but she wasn’t as enthusiastic as I would have liked. I love to look at the stars. It is one of my favorite things that Patrick and I would do, look at the stars and talk about God, the future, philosophy, etc. (Once we were joined by a pack of Coyotes!)
One last stop for the night. The Sig Shack. I saw us playing ping-pong, sitting on the roof, the door that I refused to just open without knocking, my first kiss in the rain, intense discussions in the flower bed… oh God what is your will? Why does it hurt?
The door opened as usual quickly; quietly I shut it behind me and sought Jim in his room at his computer. Oh Jim, one of my favorite friends forever. Jeremy, Brad, Kevin, Jeff, and Brian. I am going to miss all of them so much because I always looked up to them as older brothers and it was one of the hardest goodbyes to say.
Now I’m back in my room. It’s empty, sterile, white, and it seems foreign to me. God, what are you teaching me? What is this pain in my heart? Change me. Help me to trust you. Amen.