I am completely fascinated with biochemistry and biotechnology. I've been studying the Human Genome Project and DNA fingerprinting and DNA sequencing, the use of restriction enzymes, and the process of coding DNA proteins. Maybe I should become a biochemist. I am fascinated by the potential, the controversy, ethical concerns, and prospect for curing disease. You should research it.

The good things in life

Books. All kinds of books...textbooks, fiction, paperback
Yellow cake with chocolate frosting, preferably with sprinkles since they just make everything taste better
Hills with thick green grass to roll down
The smell of air in the summer. It's sweet, like flowers.
Bubble baths
Patrick
Cute socks and Underwear
A best friend
Secret hiding places or a tree house
Printed Band-aids
Laughing. Everyone has a unique laugh. Listen.
The words hope and joy
Riding your bike until your leg muscles scream Stop!
Pictures
A.W. Tozer's insight
Love letters from the past, like between napoleon Bonaparte and Josephine
Our humanness that doesn’t allow us to fully know God, because then the glimpses of Him can blow us away!

It's good to think about the good things.

Home. Run!!!

So this is how I feel today. I feel the pride and joy of catching a really hard hit in baseball. You feel the sting as the ball hits your mit. You stuck with it and you're still in the game. Or...maybe it's more like this. It looks like a really good hit, but then you realize that you weren't even looking at the ball. It was just taped to your bat.

What is the difference between apathy and feeling stagnant? The same things, day in and day out. The sun rises; I swim, do homework, talk to some people, write emails, think a lot, and then sleep some more. Oh I wonder just what God has in mind for me right now! Ask Him. I think this is His will. It reminds me of the song Taking Care Of Business. Sometimes, that's just what needs to be done. I miss friendship the most right now…Of course I have my friend Mr. Intercultural Communications text book. He's a little dull as a companion however. He NEVER makes me laugh and rarely does he elicit even a smile. He's good at keeping secrets though. I can write all over his little margins and count on no one ever cracking him to find them. I guess that he and I go on adventures together, but mostly, he helps me to develop skills in discipline and perseverance.
There is also Mr. "Quantum Physics Pseudoscience in the Making." He's pretty cool and accompanies me most places. He makes me laugh, especially the silly cartoons that he keeps concealed in his pages. He likes to sneak them up on me and then I burst out laughing at inopportune moments and people think I'm a wacko laughing at quantum physics. Who knows, maybe I am.
Every single day I come to the third floor of the library and sit in the same place. There is absolutely no one here and there are four floors of lush and comfy chairs, tables, desks, study rooms, and lots and lots of windows, but I like my spot. I can pretend like it is my corner of the world. I have a need to possess some space as my own personal allotment in this big world. I think I’ll just claim a small piece of the library.
I am still without a job, well a consistent job anyway. I kind of have three. I work as a caterer on weekends at weddings. It raises serious questions about marriage. For example, who in the world is the wedding for? Is a bride too young when she is constantly whining to sit down on the microphone while someone is proposing a toast? Why isn’t God mentioned at the wedding? Should “My Humps” really be played at a dance? How many cases and cases of wine does it take to make a tipsy bride throw up in the alley? Um about one whole one. I don’t mean to be so cynical. The weddings are fun, but sometimes I don’t like coming into such close contact with marriage ceremonies. I also got a job working at Hollister clothing store, a division of Abercrombie and Fitch and the workers are actually called models. Thankfully we had the option to apply for a position in the back room where we just fold and stock clothes. My friend Nate who works at Abercrombie said it's not a bad job. His store is just across from mine so at least I work in the vicinity of friends. I am also looking into a position trapping rats and observing horned lizards in the desert near Bakersfield. It's with a biology professor and we would work each morning from 4:30-12:00. I originally wanted to work at Starbucks, but I decided that I need to have a more well-rounded lifestyle, so I cater weddings, model for Hollister, and trap rats. It's actually a very fulfilling existence. (I'm also lying. I couldn't get any other jobs. Starbucks wouldn't hire me.)
So, Patrick is going to China for sure. I am so excited because thinking about him going out to experience real life at a different stage makes me recognize my desire for that as well. I think in December I'm going to go to Seattle to work for a publishing company, have an apartment of my own, and live life solo for a time. I think it is important to me to offer myself to God as I am, as an individual without attachments, and to go where He desires. Who does He want me to become, where does He want me to go and serve? It's all a part of developing as an individual before I become committed to marrying someone or entering the non-single stage of my life. I'm not sure how long this will be or where God will take me, but for once I'm not even willing to dream about the possibilities. I want Him to have complete control. I feel like metaphorically running off of the edge of a cliff right now and just seeing where I will land. But, for now I will continue to get up every day, swim, do homework, talk with people, think, trap rats or whatever I do, sleep and remain conscious of the voice of the Almighty directing each new sunrise. All praises be to Him forever!

I turned into a monster, an irrational one, but still a monster

If anyone reads this I NEED responses. Today if it were up to me I would have bolted from the radiology center and never looked back...
I have what has been diagnosed as Esophageal Achalasia, which means that my esophagus does not open into my stomach all of the time. Often, the muscle stays shut and so all of the food that I swallow comes back up. This can cause cancer and is just not right. If this is what I have, then I am 1 of 2 in 200,000. Lucky me!
So, today I had to do a test called a Barium swallow where I would suck on a bottle of Barium sulfate so that my insides would light up under an x-ray. I HATE going to the doctor. I have been stuck too many times with an IV because I have small veins, I am petrified of revealing more of myself than I have to (which explains the triumph of getting a two-piece bathing suit this summer), I always shake uncontrollably, shiver, turn purple, and stare wide-eyed unable to respond to any questions, and although I cooperate silently, I cry sometimes. The worst though, is having to take any part of my clothes off, even if it is just a sweatshirt. Well...
I was ushered back into the x-ray portion and taken to a changing room and told to put on the pants and huge sheet/shirt thing and remove most of my clothes underneath. My fear often turns to anger and I was so angry that I had to get undressed. I felt like I was being violated and so after much internal debate from my rational self to my emotional self, I pulled my clothes back on and stomped out to the waiting room and told my mom that we were leaving because I wouldn't do it under ANY circumstances. I would rather throw up my whole life and risk dying of cancer. She liked that. Um no. Actually she said that I was being selfish and ignorant. That it wasn't only going to affect me, but my family, Patrick, my physical and mental state, and that if I couldn't even do this, then I was not mature enough for the next stage of my life. She probably could have slapped me and it would have felt better.
She made me go back. Literally, my stubbornness comes to front in full force at the doctor's office. I changed, leaving my tank top decidedly on and asked my mom how to tie the "freaking shirt thing". I actually said that. I think I become something completely not myself that is really immature and I felt like I was throwing a tantrum, like a little kid, but I was so so so afraid that I thought I was going to pass out.
I went into the x-ray room and just stared wide-eyed at the doctor and nurse. I couldn't say anything to them. I only nodded. I'm not really sure what happened to my voice except that I couldn't talk. It was weird. I started to shake uncontrollably and they asked what was wrong. I had to take huge gulps of the liquid but it expanded to fill up my esophagus and so I was gagging and then I would throw it all up because, Duh! that's my problem, you fill it up, I'm going to blow. Well, it was long, messy, frightening, and they tried to be coy by telling me that I was so cute and tiny like a scared little puppy. Trust me, that is so not what I felt like, I felt like a vicious lab rat that had been clinically impaired to fight back. I was simmering underneath at all of them and the thick chalky paint that I had to swallow. I had to stand, sit, turn, lay, swallow, swallow, swallow. I was lectured about how I was taking too small of swallows, but I was gagging!
Anyway, it was over and I put my clothes on and left. Some would say, you survived. That is definitely the wrong answer. I may still be alive, but I feel that with each doctor's visit, a part of me becomes more and more afraid. This was so small compared to anything else I will have to do. I'm pretty sure that in surgery, you can't wear white tank tops or when you are having a baby, if I don't die of embarrassment, the pain will probably kill me.
I know that this probably sounds immature. Especially to the strong of heart and mind who can conquer the world with one glance or put rationality in the forefront of their minds at all times, but I still like the color pink. I like things that sparkle, rainbows, shooting stars, and fluffy pillows. Does anyone else feel a little bit violated with each doctor's visit, and how do you cope? What are some tips or advice for success? I really need help. It looks like life will land me many more times in a doctor's office and probably in much more embarrassing intrusive situations than this. Ahhhhh!

108

Summer in California's Central Valley
- 108 degrees
- You wake up and instead of putting on clothes; you put on your bathing suit. Unless you have to go somewhere and then you take a cold shower, have wet hair, and no make-up. It's the all natural, not the melted make-up popsicle look.
- Food consists of fresh fruit for pretty much every meal. I had berry pie for breakfast. I don't really like pie at all, but it was good and not very sweet. Cooking with the oven or stove is not an option because of the heat that they emit. Mostly people just barbeque, not grill, but barbeque everything with or without barbeque sauce.
- Sleeping is impossible, until you get used to it. My dad doesn't really like to use the air conditioner so you sweat or bring a spray water bottle to mist yourself when it gets unbearable and under the fan it feels amazing!
- Praise God that there aren't mosquitoes or chiggers!
- Movie theaters and malls are havens for bored kids on summer vacation and also for everyone else that is too hot to be anywhere else. I prefer the fourth floor of the library.
- I think that athletic activity of any kind other than swimming is a health risk, not only because of the heat but because the air quality is extremely unhealthy. At times during the school year children are restricted from going out to recess.
- I love summer nights. Crickets (but not an infestation like in Abilene last summer in my dorm room, they like to stay hidden) Laying on a blanket in the grass with glow-stick glasses, looking at the stars, and just talking with God. It is one of my most favorite things, and then I float in the pool for about 20 minutes and go to bed.
Today is supposed to be 108. Tomorrow will be 110.

Oh, and I get to go backpacking next weekend to Chittenden Lake. I'm really excited!

The Divine Inscrutability

(Huntington Beach. I love to go there in the morning and think about God. He is...)

Christian theology teaches that God in His essential nature is both inscrutable and ineffable. This by simple definition means that He is incapable of being searched into or understood, and that He cannot tell forth or utter what He is. This inability lies not in God but in the limitations of our creaturehood. "Why inquirest thou after my name, for it is secret?" Only God knows God in any final meaning of the word know. "Even so the things of God knoweth no man, but the Spirit of God."
To the average Christian today this may sound strange, if not downright confusing, for the temper of religious thinking in our times is definitely not theological. We may live out a full lifetime and die without once having our minds challenged by the sweet mystery of the Godhead if we depend upon the churches to do the challenging. They are altogether too busy playing with shadows and getting "adjusted" to one thing and another to spend much time thinking about God. It might be well, therefore, to consider for a moment longer the divine inscrutability.
A.W. Tozer
The Divine Conquest

Treasures

I love my Auntie Monica. I think that I remember trying on her shoes. The moccasins and special ones that laced up to your ankles. I remember Toaster Strudel and Warheads, and sneaking into her bed after Uncle Daryl had left for work. I think about the way that her home smelled like her, like somebody pretty and special. I loved her teddy bears and all of the pink and ribbon. I felt like she had a princess room in her house. She had a little plate or cabinet I’m not sure with tiny perfumes that I could smell and she had drawers of girl stuff, of make-up and ribbons, curling irons and cotton balls. She was so pretty but I loved her laugh, which was actually a giggle. I loved the way she got excited about everything and everyone around her always lit up when she came into the room. It was special when she came to visit us with Kyle and even though I didn’t talk to her much, she was my special Aunt, well one of them.
Auntie Andy was more like an older sister who put pink sponge rollers in our hair and was the nice one when my mom would make us do chores. I loved when she came to visit because we always went shopping or watched movies, talked about stuff, and she always just wanted to hang out. She wanted to know me, to be my friend and I loved being with her. She had cool houses and apartments that we would go visit. I wanted to be like her when I got older, independent and adventurous, but special to everyone around her. She loves people and making them smile. She is tender and sweet, and always so much fun.


Monica (Left) Andrea (Middle)

I sometimes forget about my family, how special and wonderful they are. I was thinking about my aunts today and the way that their presence in my life has shaped me. I always admired Auntie Monica’s devotion to people that she loves. She was always determined to stay focused on God and she has shown me that life isn’t about the hard things that come and threaten to steal our joy, but it is choosing to see the joy in moments that are discouraging or hurtful. She stops to smell the roses, to appreciate a bee or a pretty napkin. Her life is filled with little things, simple things that are small blessings from God only for the people who stop to think about all of the little things that count. She is beautiful and amazing both inside and out and I love her to death like the little teddy bear with a flowered headpiece on her steering wheel. She’s tiny and adorable and I like her giggle and usually pink toenails.
Auntie Andy has shown me what caring about people means. Her heart has a place for everyone that she knows and she invites anyone in to share the joy that God has blessed her with. I’m pretty sure that she is always in a good mood, almost always and she’s always smiling or up for the next fun or adventurous thing. She likes to work out like me, to hike or take walks, do push-ups, stuff like that. She is my friend and I’m sad that she moved to Tennessee and I can’t see her anymore. I guess I kind of see myself like her sometimes or maybe it’s just that I admire her but she is special to me.

God, thank you so much for reminders of people that I love most and help me to invest in them and love them like they have loved me.

Goodness

I'm not sure that the food I just ate was supposed to go together. I was never allowed to eat sweet cereal growing up unless it was a special occasion and it had to be mixed with something healthy like Wheaties. I wanted corn-pops for a midnight snack, actually an 11:00 snack but I mixed it with Trader Joes Fiber Flakes out of habit and it isn’t settling very well. I don't recommend it.
College group was so good tonight! I asked a lot of questions and got a lot of answers and it was inspiring. It changed the way that I see everything, including my relationship with Patrick so I wrote to him about it, but I think I'll post an excerpt here because it is such a neat concept:

I am fallen, I do sin, and something that I learned is that as Christians we have the Holy Spirit inside of us, which is God. If God is glorious and magnificent and powerful and mighty as He says He is, then when we are living with the pure motive to bring Glory and honor to Him, we should shine. The world should know that we are different by our love. It’s funny, people like Oprah and Donald Trump give millions to charity in the name of goodness, but goodness is an act with the pure motive to bring glory to God. We don’t have to out give them, but give with a motive of goodness and it should knock the world over with its display of God’s glory. I don’t want to just live my life trying to do things, trying to be good by reading my bible and praying or tithing, or being faithful by trusting that God will help me to get a job, trying to stay healthy or be kind, but to live goodness and faith and health and kindness in an extraordinary way that expresses God’s goodness so that the world is able to know through my life.

It's funny to walk in a big city on the sidewalk. You can see a person's hair color, whether or not they're smiling. Are they taller than you, wider, do they smell or are they dirty? We can know so much about the details but if we were on top of a skyscraper observing the same scene everything would be so small it wouldn't matter, we couldn't differentiate the details. I think that analogy from my workbook helps to depict God's standard if he were on the skyscraper looking down at us. We are so quick to compare ourselves with others based on church attendance or race, weight, health, intellect etc. we see ourselves as better than someone else, more worthy, not as much of a sinner, but I wonder if God really details each sin or rather his standard of goodness is just so high and we are hopelessly small that it just requires a life of humility and a pure motive to bring honor to His name that will spark any difference in this world.

God, I have faith that you can use me. Please help me to find ways that bring glory to your name so that I will shine . Please help me to be humble and continue to see how much I need you. Amen.

Percy A. Watkins

Did you know that you need to sing the ABC song as you wash your hands to clean them properly? I didn't either, but I learned it today at work. I work in a two story building with two staircases, 260 rooms, and four bathrooms. My "office" has a window with a view of the air conditioning unit on the roof. It is very charming when you press your face against the glass and peer through the sliver between the wall and the machine and you can see a few leaves of the top of a tree. Occasionally I can see a bird, or at least its feathers after it hits the window or flies into the air conditioner, I'm not ever quite sure what happens. It is interesting what I do. I sit in silence at a computer and copy and forward emails from the Dean's office. The Dean of the school of education is my dad, so I can't really complain about my job because I guess he's the one that makes all of the work, but I get $8.50 to copy emails every hour and no one really cares what I eat or who I talk to on the phone while I do my job because I get it all done at record speed. I have to smile a lot at people who come to view me like a zoo animal. "Are you the Dean's daughter? Wow, I've never seen a Dean's daughter before. Your so clean, oh how cute you are, aren’t you the one with the sweetheart that is in China? she looks just like her dad." It's good to know that I am approved of or provide entertainment for wayward faculty as they roam the halls trying to look busy. It also boosts my self-esteem to be told that I look like a 49 year old man with peppered gray hair and bushy dark eyebrows. Don't get me wrong, for an older male I suppose that my dad is attractive, but not someone that I like to be compared to in appearance. I eat dinner mints that I sneak from my dad's office since I don't have time for lunch and I work with my best friend in Bakersfield, Colbie. Her mom works there too so we go to her office to take a break sometimes or to use her disinfectant wipes on the phone that I share with someone else that wears a lot of make-up and well, most just doesn't stay on her face, it kind of piles up on the receiver of the phone in our office.
I miss my old life, but I guess this is only temporary. Summer school starts next week. Yeah!
I feel ready for the next part of life, but I have to remember that this is life, there isn't a next part without a current stage and I don't want to wish it away and miss something. Yes, I dislike my office job and I would like to be having fun with Patrick at camp riding jet skis and driving ski boats, hanging out with kids, talking about God, etc. but this is my life right now. I feel like I should change my name to Mildred or Percy A. Watkins, it seems fitting for a secretary. Perhaps I can roleplay while I am there and turn it into something fun.
Sorry that this was a cynical post. I have so much more to say that is positive and that will come later. Until then, Percy is late for college group.

I think that a person should always keep a soft pillow and a blanket close to their heart because they will always be available to cry on, to wrap around you for warmth and comfort, they cuddle, and hold every pain that your heart cries through your eyes.

Thurman

I think that it’s funny posting pictures of Connor and Logan on my blog since I usually go to Megan’s blog to look at them, but today was really fun and I thought I’d put my favorite pictures here. There are two of Megan that I love, but I think that after age 10 it is necessary to get a girl’s permission to post a picture of her in her bathing suit on your blog. She is beautiful though, and the pictures make me laugh.
So, I’ve decided that Connor is a very inspiring little boy, and I learn so much from him. First and maybe most obvious is his bathing suit. A blue and neon green spandex one-piece with a floatation device, which he thinks is cool. I love that he does not have a concept of social pressures. He is wearing a bathing suit that he thinks is cool and that he likes, no matter if he is only in 1 ft. of water. It took me 18 years to emerge from my two one-piece bathing suits, shorts, and rash guard every time I went swimming because I was uncomfortable with my body and revealing too much. Thank you Connor for showing me how foolish I am to conform so often. You may have had the most fun of all of us and you were in green spandex. Second was his hesitation to try things because he was afraid of what he didn’t know. After trying the slide, we couldn’t get him off. I’m kind of a hesitant person. Unlike Logan who does a face plant in the water or flails on his back rushing down a water slide and gets up to try again, I am like Connor, I take a few steps at a time, holding back and giving in to my awareness of fear the entire time. I want to become better at stepping into the unknown. Another thing that I love about Connor is that he reaches out to hold your hand or says something sweet that makes you aware that someone is watching, someone loves and cares about you even if it is a three year old. I think that I underestimate their capacity for love and for giving love. He is so special and I loved my afternoon with him.
This picture of Logan is for Megan and I; it tells a story. Logan was eating the crackers, but he would put them in his mouth, bite them in half and stick the other half back in the bag. He kept doing this. Why? He could have just continued to hold the second half and eat it when he was done with the first, but it made me laugh and I am glad for little things like that. Logan, like Connor changed my perspective so much today. He has amazing faith and perseverance, and fear does not seem to divert him. It is funny to see courage in him that I envy and he is only 1. It seems that when he wants something or enjoys something, he will pursue it relentlessly. I was watching him by a painted metal octopus with giant arms. He wanted to stand on one side of the arm and crawl over to the other side where I was standing. The first few attempts were a success until the surface became slick and wet and he fell completely into the water where I picked him up thinking he would be disinterested to pursue it anymore and he tried it again successfully. I am smiling right now because so many times I get discouraged at the first thing that is an obstacle and upsets me. Ahh Logan, you are so cute.
Megan is amazing. Life is just so fun and light, and often the little mess-ups and pain that we suffer don’t seem to faze her, because she just gets through them and focuses on something more encouraging. She is beautiful and her confidence just contributes to this so much more. She is comfortable with who she is and is not afraid to be herself with others. I love that! I like to watch her interaction with Derek and with her children because she treats Derek with love and respect, but also like he is her best friend. They have so much fun together. She cares for her children but more than that, she delights in them. I’m glad she helped me through the scary rides that made me giggle with anxiety because I had so much fun on the tiki tube ride and when we went together on the slide and I had to take my shirt off. Yikes!
Derek is a very good example for me of a husband and a father. He loves Megan and Connor and Logan so much and I see how he sacrifices himself to serve them often. I see him as a portrayal of a man that lives his life devoted to God and is respectful and honorable. He also knows how to have fun and makes anyone feel welcomed and comfortable. Also, is it weird to say that I really respect him because he graduated with his doctorate from Cal Tech? That is so cool and so hard.
I needed today. It was amazing and fun and wonderful and a gift from God. I hugged Megan and wanted to cry when I said goodbye to the rest of the Thurman family because we didn’t know when we would see each other again. They are so special to me and I know that they are a blessing from God.

This is a story about my Hawaiian Party.

I was feeling happy, or in need of inspiration so I put on my new bathing suit, which happens to be my very first two-piece, I went out to the pool and then decided that I wanted to have a Hawaiian party.
I didn’t have any friends or guests or family members, so I put on a shell necklace, flowered lei around my head, and had a party by myself.

That’s when I found Paul in my bathroom using my mom’s nice hand towels to clean off his golf clubs. I recruited him to my party even though he never really came.
So… Me+Paul+leis= lame party
I was sitting by the pool again hitting a plastic beach ball to myself when Megan came outside. She’s going to San Diego this weekend to hang out with her boyfriend oh excuse me, her boy-friend Trevor Davis, and to go to one of his concerts so she stopped on her way south.
Michael walked in too. Yeah! Guests. They didn’t know that they were guests, but they were I decided. But…I can’t figure out what I did to them. Do they look funny to you?

We drank smoothies and ate Pringles, laughed, and played guitars.
I think that it was a good party.
There was only one thing missing, or I guess a person that I keep missing so so much, Patrick. I really wish that he could have been at my Hawaiian party but he’ll probably come to one someday. I think people should just throw parties for no reason so today he is an honorary member of my Hawaiian party.
Today really doesn’t have any significance other than that it is today. Comprendo?
As a tribute to cheesy poster in one of my high school classrooms, “Make today count.”

It really wasn't fair that I had rich friends. Lexi got a brand new Jetta for her birthday and Dana's parents bought her a red jeep wrangler, Crista got a Honda Civic, and Addie had a Toyota Corolla. In California, new cars are identified by the cardboard advertisement from the dealership in the license-plate frame. All of my friends were identified around town by the colored cardboard advertisements for a license plate. My license plate wasn't colored. In fact, it wasn't even black and white. I didn't have a car. Well, I did get a job a week after I turned 16 and I bought...Mabel, or Megan, or McKenzie, or whatever name I decided to name my car (Megan do you remember what we decided?)
My mustang was adorable, it was white with a vinyl top and a bright red interior. It was also a mess because it broke down all of the time on the side of the road. I learned to change the oil, add antifreeze, put a cotter pin in the clutch, and bring it back to life after almost every incident. It was wonderful!
I'm selling it now and it makes me kind of sad.
I'm wearing a dress today. I like it, but I had to go to tea with my mom and tea plus a dress equals girly and I felt so unlike myself. It was funny.

I have to go to school now for more paperwork. I can't believe that I have transferred as often as I have. This process is miserable and time consuming.
I'll write more later.

So this may be an unusual post. However, I like it.
I was standing in my mom's room talking with her this morning as she put on her make-up. She has huge mirrors in her bathroom, two mirror closet doors, and one vanity mirror above the sink. I was playing with the muscles on my legs trying in my head to make them disappear so that I can feel more like a girl with slender legs because girls just do things like that, fiddle with their image and perception of themselves. Anyway, then I got silly and pulled the wasteband of my shorts all the way to my belly button and then sagged them super low. In this process I caught a glimpse of my underwear and I just smiled. I asked my mom, "Doesn't it just make you happy to wear cute underwear? Every time you have to go to the bathroom it gives you a reason to smile."
We sort of started to discuss underwear, a subject which generally makes me uncomfortable, but I commented how sad it is that men don't get to enjoy the simple pleasure of cute underwear and then realized the nature of the difference between "panties" and "underwear". It is like the general difference between men and women. I hate the word "panties," but it just lends to the preceeding adjective cute, a girl term. Men wear underwear. They don't take pleasure in them, they are just under-wear, not an accessory or a cute item, but a functionl wardrobe component. I think "panties" make men uncomfortable, especially cute ones.
Once I was doing laundry at Patrick's house and I needed to use the dryer but his clothes were in there, and it was the underwear load. He asked me to help him fold them but I thought it was gross even though they were just boxers and not man panties (I don't intend to offend men who wear the other kind, I think they are called briefs, but they just make me squeemish because they look like large white panties; man panties). Anyway I realized by viewing his boxers that they too come in various colors with paterns, shapes, and screen printed images. Men have cute underwear too! Or I guess I will call them cool.
The point of this post is to appreciate life's simple pleasures like cute panties and cool boxers. Take a look and smile.

Expressions

What is in a name? Shakespeare posed the question…that which we call a rose would by any other word smell as sweet. Names, faces, expressions, what is in them?
I saw a picture that my brother had taken of me with an expression that looks startlingly like a Patrick face. Oh no!
I have always been a funny face picture taker, but I see reflections of him even in my face as I have acquired his expression. I looked at Carla and I see her face too in my expression. It is funny how we become a conglomeration of those closest to us possibly more than we realize, and maybe some more than others.
I have been marked this year, embossed and printed with the image and character of so many people.
* I giggle more and elevate the ending tone on my words, elongate vowels, and look for joy in everything because of Carla’s sweet impression on my life.
* I see every book as a treasure full of humor and conflict, tragedy, and a life changing message. I want to laugh aloud when I read because I see Dr. Willerton’s stately expression melt into a huge pool of joy when he approaches literature.
* I ask a person how their day has been with a genuine interest because it makes them understand that I care for them. Brad has provided this example.
* Enthusiasm is contagious and actually motivates me to work when I choose to be excited. Crystal bounced in, bounced around, and bounced out leaving sprinkles of joy where she went.
* I find myself viewing life through a camera lens or the eyes of a child, through humor, joy, and an openness of mind and heart so unique to Meagan Thurman. She brings such a fresh and delightful perspective to life that is so freeing and beautiful.
* I speak openly and frankly, honestly, and with sincerity because miss Katy Marr was always talking and blessing everyone around her with her words.
* I actually crave coffee, yogurt with fruit and granola, 8 glasses of water per day…I love riding my bike, people are absolutely wonderful, I use words like Dirtbag and Mook to describe my world, my clothes fit me, I like meat, I view kissing as one of God’s greatest gifts, and my face reflects his silly grin.
It is all in an expression…
Those that we care about are with us, in us, and forever leave their mark on who we will be. I wonder, in what ways do I reflect God. If the Holy Spirit really does live in me and if I am walking with God daily, I should be acquiring His expression, learning from His character and guiding hand.
Lord, help me to see a glimpse of you and to reflect that in my life.

“Do they see Jesus in me? Do they recognize His face? Do I communicate His love and His grace? Do I reflect who He is in the way I choose to be? Do they see Jesus in me?” –Joy Williams

Things that make today

*I’m graduating in December for sure. Yeah!

*A bike ride to CSUB is very different than one to ACU. It is 7 miles away and takes about 30 minutes in 100-degree weather. You will definitely show up for a meeting a few minutes late, a little out of breath, and drenched in sweat. I might need to re-think the bicycle as a form of transportation. At least for important appointments.

*I can beat Paul in Ping-pong finally! I also provide pretty stiff competition for Michael at tennis now, which is so fun.

*Camp Travis is definitely in a different dimension. Miles by car, phone, or Internet are exceeded entirely and I am convinced that Patrick exists in a different world that is beyond distant from me.

*Why do girls in my family go to see chick flicks, get pedicures, eat lunch at tea cottages, and take day shopping trips? Thank goodness that Michael and Paul are still here. Today we are going to eat lunch at In-N-Out, see a movie at the dollar theatre, and go to the driving range and fish at Lake Buena Vista all during the time that my mom, sister and aunt are shopping. I’ve been given a lot of grief about not participating in the fellowship of girl time and received the harsh words, “sometimes you just have to do things that you don’t want to.” I like that, but I think that there are things that I just CAN’T do. Right? Why can’t they sit in the hot tub and fellowship or go on a walk, bake cookies, listen to music, or sit outside? Why does female fellowship always have to be SO girly and indulgent? Why? Am I being selfish not to participate? Hmmm.

*God has needed to be a moment-by-moment decision in the past few days. I need him now that I am here. I miss Patrick, Carla and Chad so much that my heart hurts, but God comes close to me when I actually seek Him and I have opportunities every moment to serve and honor Him. I love you Father, so much. Thank you for being constant.

Pictures from my attempt at the driving range

Slowly looking up

I woke up in a ball with my feet at a slight angle and I was stuck. I slept last night on the ‘love seat’ while my mom slept on the couch, so unless I was about 2 1/2-3ft. tall I was required to scrunch sleep. I had tears in my eyes when I woke up, some dried, others fresh. It’s a weird feeling. I didn’t want to leave my house, dress myself, or brush my teeth, there wasn’t really an incentive with thousands of miles of road ahead of me, but other than looking like a zombie with poofy rings beneath my eyes I successfully sanitized myself and left Abilene at 8:03 am.
We reached the ‘X’ of the U.S. boarder patrol station that I am sure Patrick would have been working at and I was passing a truck plus going downhill which equals way too fast for the Texas Ranger that happened to be patrolling speed on the other side of the interstate. I saw the lights and knew it would be seconds before they were behind me. I stopped as he walked up in his hat and cowboy boots to ask where we were headed. He happened to be a graduate of McMurry and just stopped me for being 5 miles over the speed limit because he wanted to warn me that my rate of travel plus the wind speed can easily tip Toyota 4-Runners so I thanked him with a smile and drove the proper 75 MPH speed limit for the remaining 1,000+ miles to CA. Third ‘run in with the fuzz’ since being in Texas, once for a burnt out light bulb, once for remaining at the park past curfew, and then for speeding. Each time a smile was all that was necessary to get away with a warning. However, I was shaken each time. Praise God for warnings and a blessing to ‘be careful’.
The remaining 11 hours to Phoenix were beautiful and scenic as mile after mile of dirt, tumble weeds, and mesquite bushes lined our passage like a red carpet or the essence of fragrant gardenias. I wonder why God created that stretch of earth. Was it to fortify my patience and challenge my optimism?
I dislike hotels sooo much. I used to always bring a sleeping bag because I don’t like dirty overused beds, or I would sleep on towels. I don’t like when people watch television in the room, or how I always have to wait for girls in the family to ready themselves while I wait restlessly trying to contain desires to jump from bed to bed. However, our hotel for the night redeemed itself with wireless Internet and a breakfast.
I cried myself to sleep after hanging up on a certain person then calling back to apologize. Question number 2, why did God make emotions? The intensity is sometimes way too much for me to handle and I feel a bit of insanity setting in especially as nighttime nears. It was a painful night as I shuddered slightly in sleep as my body cried to release the emotion.
Gas was finally the anticipated 3.53/gallon. Joy! My car gets 14MPG on a good day.
I arrived at my house sometime on Thursday. Life just blurred for a few hours so I’m not really sure when I got home, but my room looked like a Pottery Barn magazine because that is what my mom does. I’m not inclined to decorate my living space excessively. However, I let her do her thing. It is one way she likes to serve me but I didn’t want to touch or mess anything up. It’s a weird irony to have your personal space be established by someone else.
Life just is at the moment. God is here working on my heart but for now I’m growing. Slowly looking up.

Part 1...

My journey began today. I think that I am going to try to chart every high, low, or significant moment because this time in my life is like nothing that I have ever experienced…
I was shaking. The intensity of the loss and sadness made me shake and tears poured silently down my face. I couldn’t control it. No amount of truth or reason could stop the pain and he just called for me to come to him as he held me tear pouring, snot flowing, sniffling, shaking, the works and he whispered prayers in my ear… God, be with us, make us strong…it will be ok…I love you. Interspersed were hilarious comments about my appearance and the abundance of snot that would not stop. I wondered how it could be God’s will, how so much pain could actually make us stronger, but I believed…and kissed the man who has captured my heart in every way, who God has allowed to take it and become a part of me.
Patrick graduated on Saturday and will be gone to a camp on Lake Travis for the summer before he will be going to China to teach English at a University in Shanghi for 10 months. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, to experience adventures, trials, new countries, God’s amazing character, joy, pain, service to other people, and life. He is my best friend, the man that I love, and God’s design for me. I said goodbye to him today for 13 months.
I left his house an absolute soggy mess and drove the speed limit to get on I20 around 11:30. 3 minutes had not passed before a red Miada several yards in front of me turned into a driveway and immediately swung around back onto the road requiring me to slam on my breaks and swerve to the side of the road so that I would miss her by mere inches sending her car into a ditch where it was skewered by a pipe. Whoops! I started bawling all over again. Good grief (I really was an odd emotional mess today).
As soon as I got back into Abilene I went into high gear withdrawing from classes, requesting transcripts, I got my oil changed, fluids checked and tires filled. I returned some pedals to the bike store, ran a few more errands, packed my car, and cleaned the baseboards, blinds, and ceiling fans of the entire house. While doing this I updated my future plans.
I’m graduating in December with my BA in English and then I plan to work for a publishing company and take night classes in pursuit of a Masters degree in English. I will be able to choose one of several choice American cities to live in and I will be following both paths that I wanted to take. With a MA I will be able to teach at a community college and with the experience at a publishing company it would probably be time to move up to editor status. Choices…choices…and then there is one more, but that revolves around a certain economic developer?
I had French toast for dinner from Cracker Barrel. Mmmm. I love when parents come because they always provide excellent meals. I wanted to take my mom to the lake to see the stars because they are amazing in Abilene at night, but she wasn’t as enthusiastic as I would have liked. I love to look at the stars. It is one of my favorite things that Patrick and I would do, look at the stars and talk about God, the future, philosophy, etc. (Once we were joined by a pack of Coyotes!)
One last stop for the night. The Sig Shack. I saw us playing ping-pong, sitting on the roof, the door that I refused to just open without knocking, my first kiss in the rain, intense discussions in the flower bed… oh God what is your will? Why does it hurt?
The door opened as usual quickly; quietly I shut it behind me and sought Jim in his room at his computer. Oh Jim, one of my favorite friends forever. Jeremy, Brad, Kevin, Jeff, and Brian. I am going to miss all of them so much because I always looked up to them as older brothers and it was one of the hardest goodbyes to say.
Now I’m back in my room. It’s empty, sterile, white, and it seems foreign to me. God, what are you teaching me? What is this pain in my heart? Change me. Help me to trust you. Amen.

It Isn't Yesterday

I'm wondering, what has happened in my life that is of real significance in the past week? No deaths, engagement in world affairs, service to some great cause, I haven't resuscitated dying patients or taught a child the letter G, shot a gun in the name of freedom or wiped the forehead of a dying aids patient. Patrick graduated from college and we left that season of our lives together. In the morning I will say goodbye to him for an indefinite period of time. Three months...or one year. My mom is here to bring me back to California to finish school. In two days I will go home to my old room, my family, old college, life, friends, adventures, etc. but maybe not. I have recently become aware of a God that does not allow me to stay the same, that pushes me forward every day, that increases my capacity for love and service with each person that I meet, my concept of beauty expands, a heart of joy and peace is more easily achieved as I am refined by His grace every day that I seek Him. What hasn't been significant in the past few days? I have had a few heart attacks as anxiety sets in and I cry until I am weak for not knowing what will come next in my life individually and with Patrick. The Healer performed surgery, placing a stint of faith and another of hope where my heart was weak. I have changed life as I have made a conscious effort to bless others with a smile or a greeting. I hope that I will be a Texan at heart if not by birth and possess the spirit of kind service and humility that my life has been blessed with by my special friends; Carla, Chad, Erin, Katie, Cole, Jim, Kevin, Crystal, and Shanas. I drove over an ice covered mountain, through and blizzard and across a dessert. It took about two and a half hours on I20 east from Abilene and I ended up in Arlington. As I drove I had to leave what was so familiar and just focus on what was ahead or I would get caught looking back and I wouldn't make it. I am new now on the other end of the adventure. My heart is stronger, motives purer, foundation in God's grace firmer, and my resolution to emanate a light is more resolute. I am afraid to take the next step so sure that I will not be different, but how could I not be and how can I not be with a God so close to my heart refusing to leave me the same as I was yesterday?

Down with boring paper topics!

Blah blah blah. I do not want to write a paper right now. I feel like my motivation is all the way down to 0. Language variation, nativism vs. empiricism, gender differences, age, race, and regional dialects…I just need to find a topic that impassions me. I have learned as an English major that papers have to be written, and often about topics that are not of any interest. However, it is always possible to tint the overall topic with something that sparks even a little interest. I have to think what intrigues me even slightly, what questions do I have that I could answer, are there any sub-categories that would shift the direction of the research etc. When I choose a topic this way, it makes writing bearable. When I don’t, the entire process is strenuous to my health. My mind wanders far, far away to the outer regions of Lithuania where I want to climb a tree, talk with a parrot, and eat black licorice, or just click on the Internet Explorer button and search and Google myself silly. So far today I have looked at my email, checked several blogs, wondered about Sweden, fiddled with Photoshop, and thought about adventures that I want to take someday. Really, it is not a bad position to be in, but I still have a paper due at midnight.
I think that I am going to analyze different personality types, Sanguine, Choleric, Melancholy, and Phlegmatic, and analyze the language variation in the speakers. For example, a choleric dominant personality has a tendency to use language as a directive where as the thoughtful melancholy uses language as an expressive. Confused?
Bob and Sam eat yellow cake with chocolate frosting for their un-birthdays. When asked to describe the experience, Bob responds that it was not his birthday, the cake was good, and he would repeat the experience. His perception was direct, he expressed himself matter of factly and to convey the point. Sam says that he prefers chocolate cake, that an un-birthday was fun, but it might lessen the experience of a real birthday, he was feeling a little depressed and so the cake made his day better. Sam skirted around the entire direct issue and used the question to express his feelings, thoughts and perceptions. Anyway, it’s an interesting topic.